Comments for Blended Family Focus Resource & Support Network

Comment on Blending after the death of a parent by Catheryn

Catheryn — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:10:58 +0000

I have been engaged to a widower for 1 1/2 years. He has 2 children 8 and 10. I have a 6 year old. We started dating a few months after his wife passed, and have been trying hard to blend families.

The kids get a long great, but I find myself becoming more depressed. I feel as though I will never be an equal in the relationship. He puts his kids above the relationship, even though I try to be supportive and lay out healthy structure for the kids. I feel like my roll is not being respected and that I am the “bad guy” when I try to bring up issues of where we need to put our attention. He gets mad at me, and takes it personally. He then get protective of the kids like I’m doing something wrong. He has made it clear that I will never be as important as the kids to him and I am finding it hard to be positive about anything long term. He stated that he had a difficult marriage with his late wife, yet she had all the respect of a parent. It’s painful.

I don’t know if this is a normal situation, but the feeling of not ever being equal is making me question if I should continue to invest. I feel unappreciated, lonely, isolated, and feel like I am looked at as “the bad guy.” It doesn’t feel like blending. It is incredibly painful and my needs are not being met.

As of this point, I am loosing hope and don’t know if I should continue. It breaks my heart because I care about and love him and the kids. However, I am finding that feeling left out is numbing my feelings of hope. I can tell that I am shutting down so that I don’t have to feel the pain of the criticism anymore. Has anyone been through this stage before? Should I give up or be patient that it will change? I am really sad.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Stephanie

Stephanie — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 06:01:04 +0000

Hi, I am going to brief you on “MY” blended family…Mom left Dad while he was at work, I was 4 and my sister was 3. She took us to another state. Mom multiple boyfriends, still married to dad. Did not get to see or hear from Dad for about 6 years-Not Cool! In the meantime between all of the boyfriends, my sister and I ended up living in 7 different foster homes…in 6 years! Do the math!!!! Then mom shipped my sister and I back to the original state we started in, to live with her mom, Step-dad and step-uncle. Lived with them for about a year, Mom visited temporarily and left us again…Finally age 10 I meet my Dad…and his girlfriend (ugh!) Or so I thought- His girlfriend was very nice, she had children that were older, but still treated us as her own. Can you imagine not having children to take care of for several years, and then all of a sudden dropped on the front step. Two pre-teen girls (LOOOK OUT). Pretty stable from then on. I now have a family of my own, we are all blended also. I have three children to two different men-both married, my fiance’ has three children to two different women-one married, other still dating multiple men. MY Mom, being the “responsible parent” that she was not, was living under my roof for a bit of time-It is time to grow-up and be somehting. MY family will not suffer through the things I had to do, I try to help keep things running smoothly in my household, as difficult as it may seem, I manage. Longer Story Short…I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD and ADHD… I have a daily medication regimen I have now, I am only 33 years old! Life goes on, learn from others mistakes as well as your own! Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Donna

Donna — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 22:41:01 +0000

well my parents seperated when I was 9 and my sister was 11, during the first year my dad did stupid things so didnt see him a hell of alot and was not allow to at one point (court ordered) my mum had met a new man (now been married to my mum 12 years)and spent alot of time in our home, which I found hard when he tried to disapline us, he wasnt our dad so there for we deffinately played up on that.

my mum always explained everything to us from the start how it was going to be hard and that she loved us, and my stepdad backed off and let my mum deal with us…which in turn helped.

once my parent married I began to bond with my stepdad, always took his advice as a teen yet learnt from my mistakes when I messed up, his disapointment was punishment enough.
Thru the years I have learnt from my stepdad and will happily say he is my dad he is who i talk to when I need someone to listen.

My dad only just now has a new woman who I think has made my relationship with my dad way better then in the past 20 years…

i guess every situation is different but my dad not being there at these stages was better then him being round causing issues and arguements with my mum.

All happy now, hope my family will turn out the same!

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by L

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 19:14:52 +0000

1.As a child, what seemed to work well in your blended family?

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my sister was 1. My Mother and Father did not “blend” – ever. I only saw my Dad and Stepmom on weekends. My Mom did not speak to my father – sometimes thru me (which was stupid). My Mom never invited my Dad to my birthdays or any school functions.

2.What did you find difficult?

It was difficult because my parents were not friendly. I also did not want to visit my Dad on weekends most of the time.

3.What did your biological parent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?

My Mom didn’t like that I liked my Stepmom, so I didn’t speak of her much around my Mom.

4.What did your stepparent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?

My Stepmom was always loving and understanding, even more so than my Mom and Dad. She told me that I could talk to her about anything.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by tracey

tracey — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 21:16:04 +0000

My parents divorced when I was 12 and I lived with dad (my choice). My brother and siser lived with mum (their choice). My dad met my stepmum and her 2 teenage boys and we eventually all moved in to her house. She was a wonderful ‘mum’ to me and our house was hectic especially when my siblings came everyother weekend making 5 teenagers aged 12 to 16! Dad and my step mum were soul mates and somehow managed to bring us all up together treating us fairly and equally. They talked things through a lot and worked through problems together. Dad was good to the boys and my step mum was good to me. (after 18 years she died of cancer and I miss her loads. I owe her so much for making my life stable and secure after the divorce. My real mum married again eventually and although a rocky relationship, I have a 19yrs younger sister who is brilliant x

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Andrea

Andrea — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 21:12:09 +0000

1. Things seemed to work out better when we did things together like Playing games, going places, and having dinner together.

2. Just about the whole thing was difficult. Moving in with mew people, tolerating others, just about everything you would face when you have a brother or sister. The change was the most shocking and hardest to coop with.

3-4. They just treated us like we were one big family no yours and mine. Both parents showed respect for the discussions that each other made. I wish they would of been more cooperative with each other and a lot less bashing.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Angie

Angie — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:09:05 +0000

When I was a toddler, mom remarried, and my new dad adopted me. He became my “dad” They had two children together,and we grew up being brothers and sisters. I had a “blended family”, but one that was a little different do to my age. When I was 13, they divorced, and I went through hell with the topsy turvy life my mom chose, moving, new schools,especially since I was entering my teens,etc. Mom had lots of boyfriends, very unstable, and it really affected me. So, I never had a blended family after that as a child. Although, my Dad- the one who adopted me, went on to meet a wonderful woman when I was in my 20’s, and they had quadruplets, who are 28 yrs younger than me, yet siblings. I watched my “dad” show me what real love was, and commitment. And for that- I am eternally grateful that I had a blended family when I was young, and a dad who stepped up to the plate, and always treated me like I was his own child. I look to him and his wife and his side of the family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents(although they are no longer around),as my real family connection.
One big extended family- my extended new siblings, not even biologically connected, ARE my family. Each situation and age group of the children poses a different scenario…and with all its intricacies and complicated weavings- consistency and commitment in family, is love.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Adele

Adele — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:52:38 +0000

@Brooke: Thanks for those very useful insights Brooke! Really well said.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Gina Looney

Gina Looney — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:40:54 +0000

As a child, what seemed to work well in your blended family? structure and flexibility

What did you find difficult? being discipline more strictly and new rules.

What did your biological parent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)? get along with my other parent during weekend exchanges.

What did your stepparent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?
She listened alot and talked to my dad when I couldn’t.

Comment on A child’s experience of blending… by Brooke

Brooke — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:27:16 +0000

My Dad began packing his belongings on my 15th birthday as my mother pushed him out the door. She was going through some sort of mid-life crisis and made this rash desicion to start a new life. The years to follow for me and my 2 sisters were not easy to say the least. They both remarried within 6 months to people they barely knew in an attempt to start over without a very well thought out plan. My sisters were 13 and 17. So we were all in a crucial developmental period with our own indepence and the three of us all felt as though we were pushed overboard and were lost at sea. What would have worked best with us would have been for our parents to keep the commitment that they made to us, proir to the divorce. But it seemed as though they were both so concerned with pleasing their new spouses and avoiding conflict that they often didnt consider our feelings. The most difficult thing is that our step-parents would get upset with us and not communicate with us at all. They would only argue with our parents behind close doors and you could cut the tension with a knife. Things would have been more positive if we would have attempted to come together and discuss issues in a structured manner before everyone became angry over numerous issues. I would have felt more secure if my step-parents would have taken a little more time to get to know me and my sisters. It was not easy to live with someone I barely knew. It takes time to build a relationship between step-parents and children. If step-parents would take the time to “realy get to know thier step-children” it could be an easier transition for everyone. Both of my parents rushed into their marriages and this was extremely difficult on my sisters and I.