Comments on: Discipline: Speaking from experience… http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/ Equipping step families worldwide for success Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:28:05 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.5 By: jaxzon http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-535 jaxzon Sat, 18 Dec 2010 13:40:47 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-535 I think a blended family is just different from a intact , become of the way its formed. depending on how people go about can give different out comes also everyone different in their situation , but what everyone has in common weather intact or blended . they all have one thing in common their is husband and wife and children and everyone needs to feel equally loved regardless what their relationships are. I believe weather children follow a adult commitment or if their were children their first. its takes a strong commitment between the adults to make it work , love and respect loyalty and communication is not only what makes or breaks the marriage but the whole family. Children need that foundation to feel secure. marriage is first proity cant not run a house hold regardless of how it is ran if the adults can not work together as a team. children depend on that for everything that's in their life they depend on their step/bio relationship. cant not fix discipline issues unless both parents are in it together.nothing segregates afaimly more than segregated adults runing the house hold. first, and foremost i don't think children are receptive to discipline when if the bond and love isnt close with the one who disciplines , this to me apply to both bio or step. A step parent takes a long time to build a relationship with the step kid this should be done before any such discipline should take place.They will resent and loath a step parent other wise so they older the kid is less likely discipline will be that effective from a step parent. In those cases i agree bio should be the one to carry out the discipline however parents should appear as united front always . to show that you both fully support the rules inside and out side the home. but consequences and rules should be given from bio parent so the teenager knows bio is serious.If step parent is left alone with stepp kids the need to be able to keep them under control if its something that cannot wait till parent gets home , bio parent should make it very clear that the rules apply to them ,that the step parent is the ADULT IN CHARGE and that they are to mind them while they are not present. the consequences should be the same and consistent. nothing should change unless bio parent changes it . another words , step and bio decide it first then bio communicates to the child while step p is present. children need to know what ROLE their step parent plays in their family .and understand it clearly .they need to know that as astep parent they due have a say in how things go,they need to know that the bio parent has the final say. I think a blended family is just different from a intact , become of the way its formed. depending on how people go about can give different out comes also everyone different in their situation , but what everyone has in common weather intact or blended . they all have one thing in common their is husband and wife and children and everyone needs to feel equally loved regardless what their relationships are.
I believe weather children follow a adult commitment or if their were children their first. its takes a strong commitment between the adults to make it work , love and respect loyalty and communication is not only what makes or breaks the marriage but the whole family.
Children need that foundation to feel secure.
marriage is first proity cant not run a house hold regardless of how it is ran if the adults can not work together as a team.
children depend on that for everything that’s in their life they depend on their step/bio relationship.
cant not fix discipline issues unless both parents are in it together.nothing segregates afaimly more than segregated adults runing the house hold.
first, and foremost i don’t think children are receptive to discipline when if the bond and love isnt close with the one who disciplines , this to me apply to both bio or step.
A step parent takes a long time to build a relationship with the step kid this should be done before any such discipline should take place.They will resent and loath a step parent other wise so they older the kid is less likely discipline will be that effective from a step parent.
In those cases i agree bio should be the one to carry out the discipline however parents should appear as united front always . to show that you both fully support the rules inside and out side the home. but consequences and rules should be given from bio parent so the teenager knows bio is serious.If step parent is left alone with stepp kids the need to be able to keep them under control if its something that cannot wait till parent gets home , bio parent should make it very clear that the rules apply to them ,that the step parent is the ADULT IN CHARGE and that they are to mind them while they are not present.
the consequences should be the same and consistent. nothing should change unless bio parent changes it . another words , step and bio decide it first then bio communicates to the child while step p is present.
children need to know what ROLE their step parent plays in their family .and understand it clearly .they need to know that as astep parent they due have a say in how things go,they need to know that the bio parent has the final say.

]]> By: Beverly http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-461 Beverly Tue, 09 Nov 2010 13:05:54 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-461 I have tried so hard to get along with my husband's children. He has (2) girls & (1)boy. We just went to the wedding reception on Sunday for his son & new wife. It went ok but my stepson barely spoke to me, danced with his Mom , did not include me or even my husband to dance with his wife, and also the girls were very abrupt with me? I get along with his ex but have noticed my stepson especially does nothing to throw kindness my way, I invite them for different things, he may come but still very aloof with me, I did not cause the divorce . They were divorced for about 2 years before we met. I don't know how or if we can get closer. Any ideas? Thanks Beverly! I have tried so hard to get along with my husband’s children. He has (2) girls & (1)boy. We just went to the wedding reception on Sunday for his son & new wife. It went ok but my stepson barely spoke to me, danced with his Mom , did not include me or even my husband to dance with his wife, and also the girls were very abrupt with me? I get along with his ex but have noticed my stepson especially does nothing to throw kindness my way, I invite them for different things, he may come but still very aloof with me, I did not cause the divorce . They were divorced for about 2 years before we met. I don’t know how or if we can get closer. Any ideas? Thanks Beverly!

]]> By: Tara http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-376 Tara Tue, 07 Sep 2010 21:20:31 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-376 @<a href="#comment-36" rel="nofollow">Melanie</a>: I am going through the almost exact same thing. Now we are expecting a child together, so the thought of ending this relationship is even harder! Wish I had some advice, but it's not working on my end either. Take care! @Melanie: I am going through the almost exact same thing. Now we are expecting a child together, so the thought of ending this relationship is even harder! Wish I had some advice, but it’s not working on my end either. Take care!

]]> By: Bonnie http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-309 Bonnie Sun, 04 Jul 2010 12:35:58 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-309 OUCH! She sounds like me. I get upset often about these types of things. I storm off or end up yelling "why do you treat him that way"? Perhaps your SD needs more attention and affection from YOU! Sometimes they act like this to get attention and children with ADHD have a greater need for genuine love and affection. OUCH! She sounds like me. I get upset often about these types of things. I storm off or end up yelling “why do you treat him that way”? Perhaps your SD needs more attention and affection from YOU! Sometimes they act like this to get attention and children with ADHD have a greater need for genuine love and affection.

]]> By: chris http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-296 chris Wed, 16 Jun 2010 13:36:25 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-296 @<a href="#comment-7" rel="nofollow">anonymous</a>: @<a href="#comment-7" rel="nofollow">anonymous</a>: I have the same problem. My wife doesn't like the fact that I say something to her daughter who is 9 and ADHD. Granted she has this condition and I understand the hyperactivity but this doesn't give the daughter a reason to just do things just to be doing them. For example I have a sone and a daughter my son 13 and daughter 10 now my son lives with me and daughter comes weekends. Her daughter will do things to my son such as see him playing his psp and sit it down while he goes and gets a drink and pick it up and start messing with it or this one time he had a sunburn and she just started slapping it and wouldnt stop after he asked her to please dont cause it hurt, or she will spray her body spray on him and he gets tired of it. Now when I say something to my wife about it she says oh everything is her fault or she will get mad and storm off and end up sleeping in another room all because she is mad I said something. now with my daughter she is the type who likes to watch cartoons and play with toys, so when she is down visiting she ddoes that and Im totally fine with that. She is a quiet kid very respectful and kind but when it comes to playing with her step sister she does but when the step sister starts trying to boss her and say things like I want that toy or come play with me while she is watching a show my wife gets mad about that all because my daughter is watching a cartoon and not wanting to play at that time. I need answers cause its almost impossible to talk to my wife about it without her getting defensive and giving the whoa is my daughter getting the blame for everything when thats not true , now she does alot of things like talk back to her mom and call her stupid say stuff just to try and make her mom feel bad so she will giver her what she wants. @anonymous: @anonymous: I have the same problem. My wife doesn’t like the fact that I say something to her daughter who is 9 and ADHD. Granted she has this condition and I understand the hyperactivity but this doesn’t give the daughter a reason to just do things just to be doing them. For example I have a sone and a daughter my son 13 and daughter 10 now my son lives with me and daughter comes weekends. Her daughter will do things to my son such as see him playing his psp and sit it down while he goes and gets a drink and pick it up and start messing with it or this one time he had a sunburn and she just started slapping it and wouldnt stop after he asked her to please dont cause it hurt, or she will spray her body spray on him and he gets tired of it. Now when I say something to my wife about it she says oh everything is her fault or she will get mad and storm off and end up sleeping in another room all because she is mad I said something. now with my daughter she is the type who likes to watch cartoons and play with toys, so when she is down visiting she ddoes that and Im totally fine with that. She is a quiet kid very respectful and kind but when it comes to playing with her step sister she does but when the step sister starts trying to boss her and say things like I want that toy or come play with me while she is watching a show my wife gets mad about that all because my daughter is watching a cartoon and not wanting to play at that time. I need answers cause its almost impossible to talk to my wife about it without her getting defensive and giving the whoa is my daughter getting the blame for everything when thats not true , now she does alot of things like talk back to her mom and call her stupid say stuff just to try and make her mom feel bad so she will giver her what she wants.

]]> By: Amy http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-286 Amy Sun, 06 Jun 2010 07:51:26 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-286 I have to agree with the counselor about the discipline. We tried being a team about the discipline but he was to harsh with his punishments. I remember one situation this summer that he wanted to take my daughters phone because she left a frying pan in the sink. I did not see that as a reason to take the phone and there was no reasoning with him because he stated he paid the phone bill. But she ended up getting the phone back. Now I got her a phone on my line because I am the biological parent and I know her better than he does. This is a different era the children are growing up into with gangs, and drive-bys. My daughter needs her phone for safety purposes. He sees this a children being in his pocket but I do not they are children. My daughter also understands that when she get a job it will be her responsibilty to pay for her phone bill. I later told my husband that he was to overly critical when it came to her and the way she does things.(He wanted things his way and there was no other way. Both me and my daugher told him that he was not God.) I have to admit that since this conversation has taken place there has been peace in our home. He now sees that he was trying to hard and it blew up in his face. The two barely say anything to each other but I told him to give it time and everything will work itself out. I am SO GLAD that I found this website and blog because it really helps me to stay focused along with praying and going to church. I can really see that other people are going through the same thing and there is help out there. I met one of my step-sons in person. (They are grown and I talk to the other one on the phone sometime) He is 20 years old and wants to go to college. His father said that the 20 year can't afford to go to college. I suggested the military because they will pay for his education. It went in one ear and out the other. I'm not going to force the issue but if the step-son comes to me and talk about it I will bring it to his attention. Afterall he is grown but still needs guidance. I'm just learning that my husband was physically abused by his parents and he wanted to do the same thing to the children. I told him that abuse begets abuse the cycle has to be broken. He sees that he has been abused but I guess he does not know how to break it. I broke some of my cycles that was in my family and children are just fine. I have to agree with the counselor about the discipline. We tried being a team about the discipline but he was to harsh with his punishments. I remember one situation this summer that he wanted to take my daughters phone because she left a frying pan in the sink. I did not see that as a reason to take the phone and there was no reasoning with him because he stated he paid the phone bill. But she ended up getting the phone back. Now I got her a phone on my line because I am the biological parent and I know her better than he does. This is a different era the children are growing up into with gangs, and drive-bys. My daughter needs her phone for safety purposes. He sees this a children being in his pocket but I do not they are children. My daughter also understands that when she get a job it will be her responsibilty to pay for her phone bill. I later told my husband that he was to overly critical when it came to her and the way she does things.(He wanted things his way and there was no other way. Both me and my daugher told him that he was not God.) I have to admit that since this conversation has taken place there has been peace in our home. He now sees that he was trying to hard and it blew up in his face. The two barely say anything to each other but I told him to give it time and everything will work itself out.
I am SO GLAD that I found this website and blog because it really helps me to stay focused along with praying and going to church. I can really see that other people are going through the same thing and there is help out there.
I met one of my step-sons in person. (They are grown and I talk to the other one on the phone sometime) He is 20 years old and wants to go to college. His father said that the 20 year can’t afford to go to college. I suggested the military because they will pay for his education. It went in one ear and out the other. I’m not going to force the issue but if the step-son comes to me and talk about it I will bring it to his attention. Afterall he is grown but still needs guidance.
I’m just learning that my husband was physically abused by his parents and he wanted to do the same thing to the children. I told him that abuse begets abuse the cycle has to be broken. He sees that he has been abused but I guess he does not know how to break it. I broke some of my cycles that was in my family and children are just fine.

]]> By: Marcy Murr http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-183 Marcy Murr Fri, 23 Apr 2010 19:56:49 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-183 Hello- I just quickly wanted to give another side to some of the stories I'm reading here. It sounds like all of you raising your own children in a blended situation have really good kids- so maybe this doesn't apply to you- but when really listening to your children i urge you to try and understand when your children are manipulating to get their way. Mty step son begged his father not to marry me- he said things weren't "fun" at the house anymore, that I am too controling, and that he liked it at mom's better. I admit, I have some control issues that I work on- but my step son was manipulating his father. He was on drugs, getting in trouble at school, and bullying his little sisters. I opened a diolouge between his mother, myself, and my husband- and we all decided how best to help him and how they could better dicipline him. I am so proud to say that he has now gone from straight F's to A's, B's and C's- he is off drugs, he no longer gets into trouble at school, he's much more respectful around the house- he's just a brand new kid. If my husband had "listened" to him and been taken in by him ( he almost was)my step son would still be controling the household. Hello- I just quickly wanted to give another side to some of the stories I’m reading here. It sounds like all of you raising your own children in a blended situation have really good kids- so maybe this doesn’t apply to you- but when really listening to your children i urge you to try and understand when your children are manipulating to get their way. Mty step son begged his father not to marry me- he said things weren’t “fun” at the house anymore, that I am too controling, and that he liked it at mom’s better. I admit, I have some control issues that I work on- but my step son was manipulating his father. He was on drugs, getting in trouble at school, and bullying his little sisters. I opened a diolouge between his mother, myself, and my husband- and we all decided how best to help him and how they could better dicipline him. I am so proud to say that he has now gone from straight F’s to A’s, B’s and C’s- he is off drugs, he no longer gets into trouble at school, he’s much more respectful around the house- he’s just a brand new kid. If my husband had “listened” to him and been taken in by him ( he almost was)my step son would still be controling the household.

]]> By: Michelle http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-156 Michelle Fri, 09 Apr 2010 01:03:29 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-156 Hi guys....I have just read Zelda and Michelle's comments and I was in tears. My story is similar to Zelda's that I have only one daughter, 11years, and she's an angel. Yes, she's growing and I get the odd 'backchat' but she's very well behaved as I'm very strict on discipline. My husbund is also very strict but tends to be harsher on her and lately I have really considered leaving him as I'm tired of his harsh moods. An example of what I'm talking about..he got upset with her for going out(he told her to go with her friends as she's always home) and not doing her chores(they had just come home from school so she didn't have time to do it) and greeting him when she gets up in the morning(he wants her to go looking for him before she even goes to the loo!). He has 3 kids..17, 15 and 11. They live in another country and I thought this would help as they were VERY rude to my daughter and myself and his family, including my husband made it clear that they not my kids to discipline when rude. The son is coming to live with us and rules have been laid down. My daughter and I don't mind as we hope this would change his harshness! His eldest has written him a letter stating that he's not her father any longer. He was very upset and we supported him. I even phoned his daughter to ask if I could help and 'apologise' if I had hurt her. She was very nice and polite over the phone. However when she spoke to the family the little minx turned everything around and said I had said bad things to her! Reading all your comments I feel I should try discipling my daughter alone. It might cause a 'stir' as we are together so long now. I just spoke to my daughter over the phone and she's in such a panic as she's being collected and my husband has not even given her lunch. Sometimes small things sound petty but my daughter suffers and as Michelle said we need to think of our kids first! Hi guys….I have just read Zelda and Michelle’s comments and I was in tears. My story is similar to Zelda’s that I have only one daughter, 11years, and she’s an angel. Yes, she’s growing and I get the odd ‘backchat’ but she’s very well behaved as I’m very strict on discipline. My husbund is also very strict but tends to be harsher on her and lately I have really considered leaving him as I’m tired of his harsh moods. An example of what I’m talking about..he got upset with her for going out(he told her to go with her friends as she’s always home) and not doing her chores(they had just come home from school so she didn’t have time to do it) and greeting him when she gets up in the morning(he wants her to go looking for him before she even goes to the loo!). He has 3 kids..17, 15 and 11. They live in another country and I thought this would help as they were VERY rude to my daughter and myself and his family, including my husband made it clear that they not my kids to discipline when rude. The son is coming to live with us and rules have been laid down. My daughter and I don’t mind as we hope this would change his harshness! His eldest has written him a letter stating that he’s not her father any longer. He was very upset and we supported him. I even phoned his daughter to ask if I could help and ‘apologise’ if I had hurt her. She was very nice and polite over the phone. However when she spoke to the family the little minx turned everything around and said I had said bad things to her!

Reading all your comments I feel I should try discipling my daughter alone. It might cause a ‘stir’ as we are together so long now.

I just spoke to my daughter over the phone and she’s in such a panic as she’s being collected and my husband has not even given her lunch.

Sometimes small things sound petty but my daughter suffers and as Michelle said we need to think of our kids first!

]]> By: Connie http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-147 Connie Mon, 05 Apr 2010 21:53:35 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-147 I am grateful for all who have shared their story. I realize that as mothers living in a man’s world we still have so much to deal with that works against us even in the 21st century. How many men feel the fear of losing their kids? How many men are stuck in a situation because they cant afford to move out? I had not realized that this is as much a feminist issue as it is step parenting issue. But I have to agree with Melanie, there is no relationship that is worth sacrificing our children for. A mother shouldn’t have to choose between a happy relationship and losing her kids. Any man that makes you choose will probably not bring you happiness anyway. As for the discipline, I have tried to encourage a joint decision but with the bio parent communicating the result. I say try, because in the end my partner usually backs out and let’s his kids do as they please even after we have agreed on a decision. And it seems like men are always harder on boys and push-overs for girls. My first husband had a daughter from his first marriage and she had total control of our lives. I left after 2 years. Now my fiance has a daughter and son and I watch how unfair he treats our boys and allows his daughter to do as she pleases. It is becoming clear to me that this is not what I want in my life and certainly not what I want for my son. I am grateful for all who have shared their story. I realize that as mothers living in a man’s world we still have so much to deal with that works against us even in the 21st century. How many men feel the fear of losing their kids? How many men are stuck in a situation because they cant afford to move out? I had not realized that this is as much a feminist issue as it is step parenting issue. But I have to agree with Melanie, there is no relationship that is worth sacrificing our children for. A mother shouldn’t have to choose between a happy relationship and losing her kids. Any man that makes you choose will probably not bring you happiness anyway. As for the discipline, I have tried to encourage a joint decision but with the bio parent communicating the result. I say try, because in the end my partner usually backs out and let’s his kids do as they please even after we have agreed on a decision. And it seems like men are always harder on boys and push-overs for girls. My first husband had a daughter from his first marriage and she had total control of our lives. I left after 2 years. Now my fiance has a daughter and son and I watch how unfair he treats our boys and allows his daughter to do as she pleases. It is becoming clear to me that this is not what I want in my life and certainly not what I want for my son.

]]> By: Adele http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/discipline-speaking-from-experience/comment-page-1/#comment-132 Adele Wed, 31 Mar 2010 23:20:31 +0000 http://www.stepfamilyhelp.info/blog/?p=243#comment-132 <strong>@<a href="#comment-124" rel="nofollow">Yoanna</a>: Great question. Unless you are completely certain your partner, the bio parent will back you (the stepparent) up if an issue arises, then I would advise to proceed cautiously. If you don’t have their support and children sense there’s no unity, they will side with their bio parent which ultimately causes more friction. There’s no harm in taking ‘time out’ as a couple to discuss and decide on the best course of action before addressing it with the child/children concerned. For more information on how to form a behavior plan that you both agree on, check out session 3 of the Blending Lives Program here http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/blog/details2/</strong> @Yoanna: Great question. Unless you are completely certain your partner, the bio parent will back you (the stepparent) up if an issue arises, then I would advise to proceed cautiously. If you don’t have their support and children sense there’s no unity, they will side with their bio parent which ultimately causes more friction. There’s no harm in taking ‘time out’ as a couple to discuss and decide on the best course of action before addressing it with the child/children concerned. For more information on how to form a behavior plan that you both agree on, check out session 3 of the Blending Lives Program here http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/blog/details2/

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