Faults and all
Adele Cornish, BSW
“You can’t fight for a place in someone’s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place they’ll put you where they want to even if it’s not where you should be.”
It might be that you want your partner to make your needs a priority but they aren’t. When you met you may have really admired their commitment to being a great parent and now their children take precedence over you, this same commitment is the thing that most frustrates you. It might be work or other interests that take priority, regardless of the reason, many people who marry do so expecting that they can change their partner. This is seldom possible so the choice is then over to you; will you choose to continue to love them despite their faults?
Your love for each other needs to move beyond a ‘feeling’ if your relationship is to succeed. There will be times during your relationship that love must become an action; a choice to stay committed to each other, look for the best in each other, letting go of resentments and choosing to forgive. So while you can’t change your partner, you can change your expectations and attitude in order to succeed.
What’s your experience?
I love to hear from those of you who have worked through the issue of having to accept your partner’s imperfections to offer some hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.
Please respond below. You can remain anonymous if you wish.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
This is exactly the ‘discussion’ we had over the weekend. I have decided that I will not accept coming second to everything else while I put him first. I have said we can stay living together if he puts me and our relationship first or he can go live on his own and we can date and I will put myself first. To me anything else is dysfunction. I have spent years coming second to his kids and now they have grown up (all with depression, anger, anxiety issues) and now it’s his friends. He has said he doesn’t believe in the hierarchy of priority – him and me first, then kids, family, friends, acquaintances. Well hope enjoys his new life on his own because I’m sure that is what he will choose. And I know 6 months on he will change his mind when he realises he is on his own and everyone else as their own lives. My life is actually a lot easier on my own as I have a good support from family and friends. Not sure this will help anyone else, but what I am trying to say is put yourself first don’t wait for some else to do it!
I have been married for 38 years to my husband. We met the first day of college. We went through a three year separation then got back together and rebuilt our relationship.The things we learned from this were ,you have to continually nurture your relationship and have fun. Those good times will help carry you through the bad ones. You have to keep growing as individuals and as a couple. You have to make the relationship a priority even over your children. We have to not continually criticize our partners but grant grace once in a while and honor them.Take time for one another and life is too short to be unhappy,so if you are go and get it fixed. Counseling is a place to learn how to care for one another and the relationship. Don’t delay getting help or start counseling when you are ready to call a lawyer. Go when you feel the problems you are facing keep reoccurring and you can find a way on your own to solve them.
Changing someone…..just means you never accepted them from the beginning.
I accepted my husband, I love him the way he is today, as the way he was when I meet him.
Now when it comes to the kids…that’s another issue..one that him and I will never see eye to eye with and I understand now after 3 1/2 years and my husband and I don’t live together anymore…it was the only way it was going to work. I was tired of being the wall, for them to lash out at, call names to
and not accept as a part of their family.
It is a lot easier now that we are apart we are staying married….because we love each other very much…but it hurts a lot still and it will for awhile. I thought I was strong enough to handle them, and their meanness….I envy the stepparents that can stay and deal with it, kudos to you….hang in there. They grow up and move on with their own lives and look back…I hope they learn. My husband and I will be getting back together after the kids are graduated from high school…4 years from now. Until then dating is good, we see each other every day. Spend a lot. of time together…..
Love this article. When I opened up my e-mail this morning I was shocked at the topic! I read it over and over, each time I did it melted me. I felt comforted that others may be feeling the same way in their relationship. Boy did I need this, although it hit a raw nerve with me I can clearly see what I need to do, stay committed and choose to love! Thank you so much Adele!
Your question: “…will you choose to continue to love them despite their faults?” is the crux of the issue. In the end, you have to know yourself well enough to decide to stay or move on.
I married my husband (2nd marriage for me; 3rd for husband) knowing he had children who were just on the cusp of leaving (two girls: 17 and 22). My children were younger and we knew they were in the home long-term. His youngest was (is) the highest maintenance child I’ve ever known! She lies, loses jobs, does poorly in school, etc. etc. The ex is a terrible influence on both kids, but particularly so for the youngest girl.
I won’t bore you with all the ugly details, but I can say that I separated from my husband for several months in order to regain my sanity and decide which path I should take. In the end, I felt our relationship was worth the struggles.
While I still do not agree with his parenting style and the yougest has moved out, I often have to ask myself — IS THIS MY PROBLEM? DOES THIS DIRECTLY EFFECT ME? If the answer is no, I TRY to let it go. Easier said then done, no doubt.
It all goes back to the question “…will you choose to continue to love them despite their faults?” (BTW … I’m sure glad my husband loves ME in spite of all my faults.)
Only you can decide! Good luck.
I’m not sure you ever are finished working on this in any relationship. I’m in a blended family with four kids and we’ve been together for 7 years. I have to continually work on accepting everyone for who they are and find the positives in everyone. Even when one person in the family is finding fault it’s easy to jump on the bandwagon so, we try to focus on the good we all bring to our family. Sometimes, we even write down what we like or admire in each other to help us remember. It’s not easy by any means, however, being committed through the rough times allows the good times to be that much sweeter. Prayer and gratitude have saved my bad attitude on many days.
I am dealing with this exact issue at this time. my partner was super attentive and always made time for me however as his kids have gotten older I feel he is afraid of losing them and the kids have sensed that and now manipulate any time we may have together. the kids are 17 and 19 and they will hear we are making plans then come up with something to stop it. and make my partner feel guilty . I have noticed as time goes on he won’t commit to planning time with me it will happen when it happens he says. but he will make “plans with the kids” I feel resentment for this because why won’t he commit to time together with me? I know deep down he loves me and we have talked about the futute and have goals for a life together. but often I feel sad because we will go lengths of time without that special time together “just us”. I amd however working on putting those feelings aside. because i know how deeply he feels for me and just know that eventually the kids will have their own lives (well hopefully) and we will have the time I have been craving. It is hard to do but I can’t imagine my life without him so if it means a few tears to get to the end result. the good still outweighs the resentment so I just have to relax and trust in what we have. we are not married and do not live together but have been a couple for 8 yrs. so I know that counts for something
What I have to say may be disappointing to you, but I am truly at the end of my rope! I’ve been with this man for over 3 years now, and for me to “change” my expectations with my “partner” would mean, I must accept coming in last on his priority list. I must accept watching my children, and his children, see this occur, and follow along…meaning, my children come last as well, and his children are the higher priority. Does anyone out there have any idea what the impact of this is on the children?? They see “dad” put so many things in front of “mom” so of coarse they follow, and they start acting in the same manner. What I don’t understand is, how could this be ok with anyone??! When two people come together in a relationship, they are supposed to be a team, a partnership, working together to make a life together. Not this…”my life with my kids, and your life with your kids” thing…or “it’s us against you and them” thing…I feel like such an “outsider” a good portion of the time, I feel like I’m the enemy, and I know in my heart this is NOT acceptable. I’m on my way out of this relationship, mainly because I deserve better! My kids need to know that RESPECT and CONSIDERATION are important in having a relationship, by everyone, not just one side, or one person…it has to be a mutual thing…without that, it won’t work!! My fiance believes a relationship is supposed to be easy, and everything just falls into place without working on it. He states that’s how you know it’s meant to be. I on the other hand, believe the opposite. I did try to “change my expectations” several times, but in the end, my heart still wants what it wants…to be loved, and cherished by my spouse, the same as he does for others. I believe, if he can’t or won’t give me that, then it’s simply not worth it for either one of us!
“I would love to hear from those of you who have worked through the issue of having to accept your partner’s imperfections to offer some hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.”
I must admit when I first read this, my knee-jerk reaction was to bristle a bit.
If I love my partner and am committed to him, why would I have to “accept” his imperfections? I mean, didn’t he have those same “imperfections” when we met? And how would I feel if he felt he had to “accept” mine…or not?
What if I can allow him to be who he is? And be in allowance of myself…and being who I am? And what if neither of us has to “accept” anything about the other? It’s all flowing and changing all the time. Sometimes I am first, sometimes he is first, sometimes one or all of his kids are first and sometimes one or both of my kids are first. It’s a constant state of change and flow. And I personally find that when I do not JUDGE HIM and can be in allowance of who he is in any given moment in time, while also maintaining allowance for me in that moment, it all remains a place of ease and joy.
When I fall out of allowance and set up expectations for how or who he should be or when I project my point of view about what he should or should not do, THAT is when things go awry and arguments flare and resentments build.
Luckily, I am with a man who is ready and willing to put in the work necessary to keep a relationship moving forward. He is willing to go with that change and flow that occurs in life and is not cemented in to any single way of doing things or being in our relationship. If it were not for that, I would be a single mom. I learned in my first marriage that you cannot put a sheep’s outfit on a wolf and expect him to BE a sheep. He is still a wolf. He can wear the disguise, he may even fool some people…in the end, he is a wolf. Expecting him to BE a sheep is an exercise in futility…never gonna happen! And I am beyond grateful to be with a man who is what he is, no disguises. He is willing to be IN the relationship and willing to DO what is required to keep it going. I did NOT make him that way…I did nothing to change him into that. That is just who he is.
And for me, because this is a two-way street, I had to get to a place where I loved and cherished and nurtured and cared for myself in order to even FIND this man….not that I was even looking. When I got to this place of caring for myself and nurturing myself and putting myself first, I thought “Hey, I kind of like this and I am totally fine living my entire life this way.” THAT is when my caring and nurturing guy showed up. How can I expect someone else to care for and nurture and cherish me if *I* don’t do those for myself???
I hope those that require assistance with their relationships get what they need.
I continue to learn as we live. I lost my first wife of 24 years to cancer, and my wife now came from a divorce after 14 years. My adult children (twin boys) moved out onto their own, early in our relationship, while her minor children (boy & girl) live mostly with us. I accept that things were different with my first/late wife as we “grew together” in our first and early marriage. This time around is much different, in that both of us come together with “experience” and being older in life. As many, we were both somewhat blinded to imperfections early on, which only come more to light as time goes on. Remarrying into parenting of minors again is one issue, but in our case, the minor children also involved mental health issues. Our biggest battle, I suppose like many, is disagreement with differing parenting styles. But we both care and continue to try to work together. I don’t believe love stays, but rather has to be worked at. I accept that she won’t always be exactly who I want or do what I would like. (No one would.) And I know that works in the other direction too. As I write, I look at marriage vs. love. A marriage starts with love, but is more. Marriage is a promise to your spouse that you will always be there for them. I don’t just love my wife for her looks, but for who she is. I think if one looks at marriage as a serious and permanent bond, both before and after the ceremony, and makes an effort to remember why they married in the first place, it helps to get beyond the imperfections. I think there is one word to sum all this up, that is lacking in many relationships. COMMITMENT
After reading alot of these responses, it seems as we are all in the same boat. I can understand that we have to forgive on some faults but why continue the faults if we know it hurts the other spouse. Why should we forgive those faults, its hard to forgive those. For example when me and my husband have any alone time he constantly will be texting his daughters, and he knows it upsets me because when we are alone why can’t it just be us, I don’t text my kids when we are alone together. Its like he feels guilty he is with me. So one day I did decide I will forgive and we were getting along great. Then we had alone time which I set up for our anniversary. Well I caught him sneaking around texting I asked who he was sneaking and texting and it was his daughters. So I now have driven my husband to sneak and text his daughters, since then things have been stressful again. Why not just stop it when it hurts the other person.
I see after reading I am not alone in how I feel. I come last.. And its never going to change. I’ve never felt more alone. He just asked me to marry him and I don’t even feel engaged. I wish someone could direct me in the right direction