Comments on: Stepparenting: Why do it?

By: latisha

latisha — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 13:07:47 +0000

My story may seem a little complicated at first. When I was 20 I met the man of my dreams and he had come with a big package. Three kids alex was 6,natty 4 and jasmine 2 months and a crazy baby mama. I moved in with him after only 4 months and when his ex went to jail. I also have a son who was 2 yrs old at the time and we both lived with him and I helped a little with his older kids at first. Then we all moved to my place and I took on the mom role since their mother wasn’t around. I made sure they went to school and I was the one who enrolled natty into school for her first year. Jasmine came to live with us when she was about 9 months. It didn’t seem that weird taking care of someone else’s kids. We had our share of ups and downs but what family doesn’t. It seemed strange trying to disipline them from time to time. I love all my step kids it’s just our relationships are a little rusty. I raised 5 kids for the past 5 yrs until recently my step daughters moved with their bio-mother. I also found out a couple years ago my husband had two more son’s so we have 7 kids total and I sometimes feel resentful because they aren’t mine but I still love them in my own different way. I have two boys now, one with my husband and one with my ex-bf sorry I left that out. I sometimes feel unappreciated by everyone and I’m trying to be a good wife and step parent and parent to my kids, it’s hard taking on these three important roles. I don’t want to be compared to their mothers and feel like I’m the bad guy in the situation. I treat all the kids like they are my own and they all have the same bounderies and rules. Now I have 5 boys in the family one’s 14,9,11,7 and 3 and two girls 10, and 5. I started this at a young age and never really got to see what was out there in the world. I’m 25 now and trying to get my diploma so I can go to school and get a career to help support our family. We both have our different ways to disipline and I don’t know why they seem to listen to my husband better than me, even my bio- kids listen to him better.Does any one have any similar situations or tips for me to make me A better role model and mother because it can be exhausting.

By: Maria

Maria — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 01:33:35 +0000

I’m mother of two (7 and 9) and a step mother of two (9 and 12). We’ve been blended a little over a year. The kids get along great and I get along great with my step kids. I’ve come to love them, and generally treat them as my own. But I don’t find my partner feels the same way about my kids. He’ll feed them, discipline them, take the out if he takes his own, but otherwise seem uninterested in them though they live with us full time (mine) We don’t agree on parenting, he’s really hard on my son but no my daughter, and he seems to be resenting more and more the fact that my kids are here more often and wanting his kids to be in our home more often, though they live with their mother, even when he’s not home. This I don’t get (they live a block away and he sees them very day at breakfast and lunch because he works at night). Anyway, I’m thinking of counseling, if that does not work, I’m thinking of living apart but staying together. Any input is welcome!

By: Ulises

Ulises — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:41:20 +0000

As many have wrote in the blogs about your experience let me share something. As a child my parents divorced, as a adult my first marriage ended up in divorce. As it turns out just like many of you I to wanted out of my second / blended family. My spouse had two daughters as I did, we all lived in one house trying to make it work. In our marriage we went thru so many ugly moments that unfortunately some where seen by the kids (nothing psychical or abusive) mainly verbal. I will say six year have passed, and I can say that we are a much better family now then what I thought we would be. Yes we still have bumps in the road and issue do come up, but knowing that we hung in to the vows we made at the alter (and to God) we are a better couple/family for it. Adele Cornish book is a welcome resource to us, we do believe that it is one of the best books to use as a resource for one of the hardest things in life to overcome, but the rewards are well worth it. Be willing to listen and love each side because we all have hurts within us that need to be healed.

By: Loren

Loren — Thu, 20 May 2010 22:56:27 +0000

I am married to a wonderful man who has 2 kids to a previous partner. We have been together for 4 years and only this year got married. When I met him his daughter the eldest of the two was 3 and his son was only 1 still a baby still needing bottle feeds and such. You would think me coming into their lives at such young ages would allow a relationship between us to be built a lot quicker and stronger but unfortunately it hasn’t.

His son is a real mummy’s boy and while at times he shows me affection with hugs and drawing me pictures etc at other times he withdraws and rejects me for what I can only assume is fear of letting down his mum or not wanting to choose me over her.

His daughter and I get on well most times. She enjoys doing girly things with me and enjoys being treated like a big girl. At times I am unsure whether I should treat her this way as her mother encourages her to take on more responsibility than a 7 year old really should.

Most of our problems (which stem really from the relationship problems I have with the kids) come from dealings with his ex. She seems to think I am trying to take over the job of being their mother even though I and members of my family have explained that is not the case. She has another child who is younger than the kids to another man who she we assume is currently still with yet she can’t seem to stop the emotional blackmail she gives the kids. telling them she cries when they go to daddys. I understand she misses them but my husband misses them too (he sees them only 4 days out of 2 weeks) and making them feel bad for going to see him is not fair on them.

My husband and I have plans of extending our family. He is excited at the idea of being a full time dad as he had never been to his kids. We have them every fortnight for four nights and that only really started the last year and half or so (whole court thing to sort out custody as she refused to let him see them and would only let him see them when she felt like it and under her restrictions).

The kids were excited about the wedding and were happy on the day that we got married. They talk about us having babies and such so I guess in some way I feel approved of. On the other hand sometimes it just feels like they hate me. I’m not sure why and I am tired of being rejected by his son when he has a swing in his mood (usually after he has been so nice or so nasty he does a complete turn around to the other). I have had very hurtful things said to me before and while I know they are kids it is hard to just dust myself off and pretend it didn’t sting and continue doing things for them that I then feel aren’t appreciated.

I love my partner. He is my husband and friend in all other aspects of life.When it comes to his kids I feel I can’t talk to him at times. I know it’s because he loves them and can’t handle the idea that maybe sometimes they aren’t all that respectful or nice to me. regardless of what they say to me I continue to play a mother role while trying not to be their mother for fear that they will hate me more (for trying to be their mother and taking her place). It’s not easy and sometimes I doubt it ever will be.

I’m 22 years old, my husband 4 years my senior and I hate that sometimes when i try to talk to him about my feelings it feels as though he picks them over me because he gets deffensive in hearing anything about how I feel about what they do or say. He gives me the its not their fault speech, its their mother. but seriously how long can he blame her for the kids behaviour. at some point they become accountable right?

I do the step parenting thing 100% for my husband. While we would love one day for things to be great with the kids and for them to decide to come and live with us. I am also ok with that not happening just so I can have a normal family experience with my husband and the kids we plan to have every other fortnight/ week.

By: opal

opal — Thu, 06 May 2010 02:10:36 +0000

@jamie: I am in the same situation…only worse…I have 6 step children–26,24,23,21,19,16–oldest and youngest are girls..3 of the 6 lived with us during our time married–I also have 2 boys of my own, 22(cerebral palsy) and 20.
We have been married 4 years tomorrow. The kids Mom is an absent mom unless she chooses to cause trouble. The older kids are respectful as I helped take care of my husbands dying daughter last year- we lost her in December. The youngest daughter is 16. She lies to her dad and tells him I say things I dont say… the problem is when my husband believes her over me– which is most times. I now carry a tape recorder tot tape every conversation. Havent used it yet to defend myself but have it. She isnt disiplined and is allowed to do as she chooses. My children are living on their own now..so I dont worry about the father thing cause my kids have their own.. I dont think their are answers– the questions that you have you need to speak to your husband about– as do I – but it is a difficult thing to discuss, because I know there wouldnt be a change and I would lose out… if you find a way please let me know thanks and good luck–

By: Sam

Sam — Tue, 04 May 2010 21:42:50 +0000

I have been married to my wonderful husband for seven years and we have a beautiful six year old son. My husband also has two daughters from his previous marriage. They were 3 years old and 6 months old when we started dating. The oldest daughter has been a handful from the beginning but I could deal with it since we only saw them about once a month, because they lived so far from us. Now they are 10 and 13 and came to live with us about a year ago, and on a daily basis since then I have wanted to pull my hair out. I have never been very close with the girls, I am not a very emotional person and just don’t feel love for them like I do my husband and son. I feel so guilty about it all the time but I am not sure what to do about it. They are very demanding and disrespectful and I find it hard to have patience with them. Especially since I am not a very patient person. They cry about things all the time and everyone tells me it is just because they are girls, but it gets on my nerves. My wonderful life has turned upside down and I dont know how to deal with it. I love my husband dearly and never want our relationship to end but I find myself wanting to leave daily. I just dont know how to raise someones elses children, nor do I want to. I try so hard not to make a difference in the girls and my son, but no matter what I do it is never good enough for his oldest daughter. She is always starting fights and lying to my husband about something she says I have said or done. And always says I treat my son better than her. Which I do not. I often feel guilty because I feel like I dont do enough for my child anymore because there isnt enough of my attention to go around. I feel stuck and dont know what to do. If I leave it would crush my husband and my son would be lost without his dad. All I ever wanted was to have a nice life and family but I feel like it is all going down the drain. We have been in counseling since they moved in and it hasnt seemed to help. Any advice offered would be gladly taken, I am at the end of my rope and honestly dont want a divorce but I see it as the only way to get out of this most unrewarding, thankless situation I have found myself in.

By: Connie

Connie — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 06:14:12 +0000

I can relate to how Jamie is feeling about whether to continue in the marriage. I have often felt the same. I have found Adele’s information very helpful and also some books on Positive Discipline. I found the courage to confront my husband and then held a family meeting with the kids too and presented the problem of housekeeping and also the lack of respect. After everyone “aired” their feelings ( it was a little sketchy at first) then we were able to come up with a chore list that rotates so all kids have a turn at all chores and not just stuck with the same thing. I printed the list with color-codes and detailed instructions. Now the kids have figured out on their own that if they each just “clean up after themselves” they each have very little to do later on. They now remind eachother to clean up know that they will have to do it later if its left undone now. I have also hired a weekly housekeeper to help me with the heavy cleaning and laundry. this allow me to get things done and still have some time/energy left over for myself. And the last thing is taking care of myself. I decided that I cant just care-give everyone else and put off caring for me. Now I am having dad and kids do the dishes while I go off and read or take a walk. it helps my stress level and the kids notice the difference since i have more energy and patience. Jamie, only you can know what you need, if you have a good man, give him chance to hear your needs in a non-threatening way. Then “allow” yourself to have your needs met and take care of yourself. The family meeting is the best thing that has happened to our family. No one ever really wants to do it but once we get through and end with a family game or cards or a puzzle, it seems that everyone is so happy, especially me! I hope you find what is right for you and would love to hear how you are doing.

By: jamie

jamie — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 19:37:12 +0000

Im married to my husband for almost a year now. he has 4 girls ages 6,9,12,12. and we have 2 kids a 3 month old and a 2.6 years old. its so overwhelming to deal with this i dont have privacy from his kids i dont feel respected nor appreciated, they all can get away with what they want they do the things that they stay up late, they dont have boundaries. i do most of the chores in the house. i cook and dos tuff but not appreciated. i dont know what to do should i continue this marriage? i dont even get help from my husband. please help me. should i continue the marriage but i dont want my kids to grow up with a broken family.

By: Connie

Connie — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 21:46:40 +0000

I am grateful for all who have shared their story. I realize that as mothers living in a man’s world we still have so much to deal with that works against us even in the 21st century. How many men feel the fear of losing their kids? How many men are stuck in a situation because they cant afford to move out? I had not realized that this is as much a feminist issue as it is step parenting issue. But I have to agree with Melanie, there is no relationship that is worth sacrificing our children for. A mother shouldn’t have to choose between a happy relationship and losing her kids. Any man that makes you choose will probably not bring you happiness anyway. As for the discipline, I have tried to encourage a joint decision but with the bio parent communicating the result. I say try, because in the end my partner usually backs out and let’s his kids do as they please even after we have agreed on a decision. And it seems like men are always harder on boys and push-overs for girls. My first husband had a daughter from his first marriage and she had total control of our lives. I left after 2 years. Now my fiance has a daughter and son and I watch how unfair he treats our boys and allows his daughter to do as she pleases. It is becoming clear to me that this is not what I want in my life and certainly not what I want for my son.

By: Cathryn

Cathryn — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 21:45:19 +0000

Why step parent? Its a very hard question to answer and each week I would be able to give a completly different answer.

I am bio parent to 2 boys; 15 and 17 and step parent to 3 others; boys 15 and 13 and a girl 14. My partner and I have been together for 7 years. The first 4 living apart from his children and the last 3 living in the next town trying to make a step family arrangement work.

It had taken me a very long time to realise that I don’t have to “love” his children and that he doesn’t have to “love” mine. Since realising this it has taken the pressure off the way I feel and the pressure off my expectations of the relationships between all adults and children. It would be nice to have the fairy tale that some people seem to achieve but I think that is in the minority of cases. In the beginning I tried too hard to be the “perfect” step parent. The only family model that I knew was the nucleur family and was definately not a nucleur family and trying to make it into one certainly didn’t work. So I had to step back and stop trying so hard. Maybe I have stepped back too far. Now I feel that we are two different families living under one roof and I feel I have gone back to being a solo parent while my partner and his ex get on with parenting their children.

After 7 years, I still don’t know what the answer is. There are definately times when we all come together and it seems to work and hope is definately there but there are also times when you do wonder if it is all worth the hard work.