Are children tearing you apart?
Adele Cornish, BSW
Last tip I made the point that a couple need to be 100% committed to making their relationship succeed, particularly if they feel their children are deliberately attempting cause friction within the couple relationship.
Here’s one reply I received to my tip:
“I totally agree that both adults need to be committed to the success of the relationship to have a chance of it working. As soon as one person tunes out it reduces the success rate. There are always going to be times you are more “plugged in” than others. However you need to recognize that and do something about it! As far as children sabotaging the relationship, I don’t believe they ALL set out to sabotage. I am lucky that my beautiful stepchildren have accepted me from the beginning and comment how much happier they see my husband and I compared to their memories of their parents together.
Do our children still wish that their parents would get back together again after 8 years+ apart? Our 2 youngest do (13 and 12 years old), even though they can both say that they know it is never going to happen. My stepson said that he wants that so he does not have to go from one house to the next. It would make his life a lot easier, and I understand that completely. Children are very perceptive as well as very vulnerable, and we need to help them work through their grief and provide positive role models. They need to know the other parent is still a very important part of their lives and that they don’t have to choose.”
What’s your experience of this? Do you agree? I look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
I’m sure that there are some children who could tear the relationship apart- but for the most part it is up to the parents (esp the bioparent) to make or break the situation.
I think the children can be indirectly responsible for the relationship going bad, but that is only because the parents did not have the tools or the strength to use those tools to make things better. I am in a situation where I lost both of my kids. They will not talk ot me or let me know their phone number, etc. Granted, they are older (20 and 25)but it still hurts. I resent my spouse having time with her kids at our expense. Not rational, but it happens. And that resentment manifests itself in our relationship. So the kids are indirectly responsible, but
I am the one who needs to make it work.
Trouble is, it also depends if they are visiting or in your custody. Very different situations: a child in your custody is more likely to meet with a joint, agreed approach. A visiting child really comes to visit the natural parent – how can that but have a damaging impact? Compounded with that is the brainwashing from the natural parent to turn that child against the step-parent, and parental brainwashing is not easily overcome, if at all. So, I would say there’s no use arguing against it: non-custodial step-children do have an adverse impact on the primary relationship, and it’s not, in my view, something which can be overcome. In my case, I find my own amusements. I cannot warm to the child’s personality, do not have any love for her and have been worn out by her atitude.
I am a step mom. Your new partner and YOU have to be on exactly the same page. My step son is 7 years old. His B.M. has tried to do everything possible to split myself and my husband up by using my step son as a go between. The most important thing is for you and your partner to be working in tandem and any grievances about child rearing should be aired offline out of view of the child. Thanks to our hard work the Ex wife now has found someone else and moved in with them. We have one third visitation and she has the rest. Many to and fros between houses every week. Its been real hard but I think we are finally wining through. My step son is so much better to have a stable one third of a home.
Relationships are factually ‘messy’. All the different dynamics, external situations, former partners and everyday stressors, and how we deal with grief all have an impact on the success of the family, not just the marriage.
When my hubby and I made a commitment to one another it was also to each others children. We give expression to that differently. We have had fantastic times together but we’ve also had to make some heartbreaking decisions for the benefit of the child and our family, and ultimately our marriage. We try to consistently demonstrate how valuable each young person is, how important they are to us, how much we love them (even if they’re going through a difficult alien phase we might, for a moment, think about selling them to a slave trader?)… We also recognise differences in each of the kids but endeavour to be consistent and highlight what is acceptable behaviour on the part of the child. As Christians we believe that a ‘3 cord strand is not easily broken’. For us that means when either one of us is a little worn down we’ve always got God as the anchor. In the last 10 years we’ve often reflected on the faithfulness of God getting us through some bizarre times. Our girls are now: 14,22,24,26. The youngest is my daughter who’s chosen to live with her Dad for the past 2.5 years. I’m not the favourite parent on the planet because I have refused to let her leave school and do distance education. she’s struggled with this and contineus to be working her way through it. My youngest is an amazing girl. I don’t believe she’s ever tried to ‘break us up’ but like other contributors have said, the kids feel torn and innocently wish life could be simpler and Dad could live next door….I don’t think so.
Our other 3 ring us daily.The eldest lives a street away, married with two young children.
We’re a family that do life together in its good times and it’s messy times. Our hint …
* “Don’t grow weary in doing good for when you are older you shall reap a harvest” – the kids will turn out okay and your family will srvive!
* Honour your partner, enjoy your marriage, show affection to one another in front of the kids – you know that stolen kiss in the kitchen or the peels of laughter as you stumble around the loungeroom in a pseudo waltz together
* Let your children know that each one of them are valuable – we each writ them te odd card or letter. My husband take his girls out for coffee. My daughter and I have ‘girlie’ nights when my hubby is working.
* Play together as a family
* Establish new traditions
* Give yourself a break & recognise we’ll never be perfect but as Mum’s and Dad’s we too are important in the whole equation and self-care is essential.
And remember.. best is yet to come!
Adele I really enjoy your updates. Thank you for your insight,
Tarran
In short, no, a child can NOT be responsible for breaking a second marriage. It is way too much power to give them and it is unfair to feed that power and energy – literally poison. HOWEVER, can having a step child break a relationship? Absolutely!
I am a part-time step mom, no natural children. I have a wonderful step daughter, natural parents get along just fine and are friendly. Yes, everyone is friends. Therefore, what EVER should be a problem? I can’t put my finger on it but there remains tension. My step-daughter is still a stranger in the house no matter how well we get along. Her mother’s new marriage recently broke up with some blame being on him that they didn’t bond. I don’t even know what that means. He took part in her life at every chance, but yes, with his own personality. I do the same. But this distance remains.
The only thing I can point towards is that step-parenting “bonding” is so very different than bio-parent bonding. You can love, but once the child reaches teen years or young adult hood, it is a different reality – you may not have all the childhood cute memories to pull from, or the unexplainable love parents express. You may have different expectations of how a child is to act in the world, but as step-parents, our ideas are often pushed off (even in love!) as nice but…
So, we struggle to find our place, set our rules and keep a marriage alive. Even under the “best of circumstances” this is very difficult. All I ask is to STOP being asked to treat the child as my own. I do the best I can but she is still a stranger in the house. Every day gets a little easier, but I wonder if it will always feel a little MORE natural on the days she is not here?
I have now been mum/stepmum to five beautiful children between the ages of 4 and 9 years. I have found through my experiences it is not the children breaking up the relationship however the actual problems the family and individuals are experiencing that appear to be putting the most pressure on our situation. The biggest problem is the limited help we receive in the country compared to the larger cities. I have telephoned several help lines/ parenting groups in regards to problems such as jealousy however once you mention you have a blended family, most people do not know how to deal with this therefore our problems remain just that ‘problems’. Our children, through both families, have mainly accepted our new situation however one of our children has behaviour and learning difficulties and during ‘outbursts’, convices himself he wants to go and live full time with his mother (the grass is greener on the other side of the fence scenario), this however is not an option and subsequently we may receive further family disruptions due to this. My point is, our family has experienced it is always outling factors that are the problem and not the actual child not wanting to be with you and it is a matter of working through the problems (no matter how big), without blame. One of my favourite sayings is “I love you but I don’t like that type of behaviour”.
I agree with an earlier comment where it said that the children don’t have that much power in a relationship.
My husband and I are very much in love and we get a long great … in every aspect of our lives, except our children. Collectively we have four children; 14, 13, 11, and 10. Mine being the oldest and the youngest, his two being in the middle. My children live with us full time and they only see their father three times a year as he lives in a different state. We get his boys for one overnight stay three weekends a month. My husband’s blantant double standard when it comes to the two sets of children is where the issue lies. The mother of my step children caters and coddles to those kids’ every need and blames accuses my husband of being a bad father when he doesn’t do the same thing. My children are very independent, self sufficient kids. I have worked full time their entire lives and have encouraged them to be able to care for themselves when I’m not there. His kids can do nothing on their own. His youngest is autistic, which in and of itself is another topic entirely, but he never gets reprimanded for anything. The oldest of his two is angry for having to sacrifice for his autistic brother, for not seeing his father as much as he wants, for having to watch his father be with two other children all the time, among many other things. His mother has medicated him for depression. He’s not depressed. He’s a typical teenager. So now when he does something wrong or behaves badly my husband takes the least confrontational road and brushes it under the rug. When my kids do something wrong or behave badly my husband is quick to correct and discipline. This is what is causing distance between us. It’s not the kids directly, its the treatment and reaction to the kids. My husband has the “divorced dad” syndrome to the Nth degree.
I am learning to accept the fact that his kids will never be held the same standards as my children. That used to make me very angry, but now I see that my children will be better off for it.
I think children whether dealing with an intact family or a blended family are capable of playing one parent against the other. I don’t know that they conciously set out to do it….moreover they are just trying to accomplish what they want by whatever means necessary.
I have some resentment feelings unfortunately toward my stepson but I don’t believe it is his fault.
When two people are in a relationship they need to work hard to deep things in perspective. Sometimes this involves hearing the other person’s feelings and validating them even when you can not necessarily understand why they feel a certain way. All anyone really wants is to be heard and respected. I think when one adult fails to recognize the validity of how the other adult is feeling – over a prolonged period of time it is toxic. It is easy to understand how this can happen in a blended family.
Ok I need some advice. My husband is rather insecure all the way around but always his feeling that I put him on the back burner for my boys is causing some chaos. For example, if I dont answer his phone call because I am on the phone with one of my boys, he takes that very personal and a huge fight will start. How do I approach this without basically telling him to quit being a baby?
My future maybe step kids have tried wholeheartedly to diminish our love. The problem is the lack of discipline, and unfortunately his kids who are teenagers now, were taken from their dad, but also have learned to live a priveledged life. SO they feel entitlement, and jealousy. So, my presence and my 10 yr old daughters have opened up their old wounds, insecurities, and leaves all of us shaking our heads. But, we are the adults. We make the rules. And I have seen that he has none(discipline)… a product of the far away parent guilt… just throw money at at it…it will go away.
How do I deal with being an outsider in my own house and being made to feel 2nd in in my marriage where the stepdaughter is always put first? Dad is pretty spineless when it comes to disipline and is at his 14yr old daughters beck and call 24/7. As I have read in other blogs my comments and suggestions are ignored and yet turmoiland drama is a given every other week that she is with us. It is truly driving a wedge in my relationship with my husband and unfortuneltly he has blinders on. I have given up trying to talk to him as he is quick to defend his daughter which is only natural yet he doesn’t realize how different the relationships are. Help!!!
It’s up to the parents especially the bio parent,children will know what they can get away with,especially if the bio parent doesn’t
do anything to discipline the child,I know first hand,he lets her get away with anything
no united front and you are in trouble.
@Sue: I fully agree with you Sue. I only wish the bio-parent in our household could see the facts of the situation.
im into the very same situation as Cathy & i feel so bad knowing that no matter how much we tried to have a loving family life…its the disrespectful daughter that will always prevail…
I have been married to my husband for 17 years. You would think we had this all figured out by now. His kids were 10, 12, and 16 when we got married and were fairly civil in the beginning. They are now adults and are so very abusive to their father. Two daughters don’t visit but once a year, and my stepson just got fired from working for us for the 3rd time. He lies all the time, is hugely disrespectful to my husband, and pretends I don’t exist when we are in the same room. His wife calls me relentlessly but does very unkind things. She won’t let me hold the babies, she always has something negative to say about everything in my life, and she just acts like she doesn’t like me when she’s in my house. I have three children from this marriage – 7, 9, and 13 – who try very hard to be kind to the grandkids. My granddaughter punches my kids in front of her mom, and she doesn’t say anything to her. My stepson also does not speak to my kids and tries to hurt my son. Enough is enough. And now my husband is walking around in a state of depression after firing his son which would have happened several years ago for any other employee. Help! What am I to do?
Sue, I couldnt agree with you more. I love my stepkids – a girl, 17 and a boy, 24. I have a little girl of my own. They both just would not accept my daughter or me and we are ‘invisible’. My spouse was initially working in tandem with me to discipline and rein in the two stepkids but he eventually got turned around. Now, its stepkids, their mom (extremely manipulative and ridiculous in her demands.) and my spouse vs me and my daughter. Its so sad. Does it make you a bad stepparent when you love but cannot warm up or trust your stepkids? I am about to throw in the towel. I simply cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If someone has advise for me it would be great. I have been married for 2 yrs and I have 2 children from a previous marriage. 1 is 10 and 1 is 12. I have 3 stepchildren. 18,15 and 12. On a family vacation the oldest stepchild 18 screamed and yelled in my face saying I was the reason they dont like to come around. Now the 15 and 12 come everyother weekend on a regular basic. The 18 does not. There has been no consiquence for her behavior and Im furious. I feel like this was very disrespectful and not just to me, but to my husband too. I am asking for a appoloy before she is allowed in my home again. I dont feel like this request is to much. I dont want to come between the 2, but I do ask to be respected. I have never done anything to his children to ever have them blame me for why they may not come up. I am just at a loss on what to do. There has been no consquenses for her actions and I feel as though I have no support. Help me.
I am in the same boat?? What to do, What to do.