Commitment
Adele Cornish, BSW
How faithful or committed are you to your relationship?
The thing is, every relationship goes through both good and tough times. Tough times or conflict does not mean you need to throw in the towel but have a plan for working through them. If you don’t, you’ll risk continuing in a succession of failed relationships.
A number of years ago (before I had a blog) I asked for your feedback on a question which relates to this. Now an update is needed and this time you can post your answer for others to read. Here’s the question:
If you don’t “feel” love for your partner, should you stay in the relationship?
Should you let your “feelings” influence your long-term commitment? Please share your thoughts below!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor
p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.
p.p.s. If you’re feeling hopeless about your relationship, don’t let everything you’ve worked towards be lost by throwing in the towel. Give your relationship every opporunity to succeed. Chances are some things will need to change to get it back on track. I’d love to help you so if you want to find out more please click here
Love is more than a feeling, it’s a concious action. But when there are issues, BOTH people need to be trying, and open and honest communication becomes so important. When that fails, and nothing improves over a period of time, I do think the healthiest option is to find a new life.
Faithful and committed go hand in hand…your question posed is a personal answer..and for me faith emposes that I do everything in my power to continue a relationship that I would have already committed through marriage. If there is no marriage and there is sexual contact then it depends on what depth of committed you are…Sex w/o marriage is wrong per everything biblical. However, I find in todays lifestyles…if a couple has a committed meaning they have become partners and have obligated themselves to each other….then the committment is intense and should be acted upon per se…No matter what the level of partnership…Marriage or not… committed means you exhaut allll avenues to make the partnership good for one another..however, if there is cheating or untruth or hurtful whether physical or mental then it is a partnership that can and probably should be dissolvled..
Hi,
Interesting thought. I think a lot of people let moments of bad destroy the good and allow it to become an overbearing point in the relationship, which creates a negative connotation and they find it easier to just run…. I speak from a recent experience where my partner of a blended family chose this option and moved straight onto another new relationship a month later. This is the second time she has done the same thing.
Hard times require focus and commitment from the decisions made/outcomes in the relationship. I’m no expert on this matter, however committing to your family by putting them ahead of yourself should always be a priority, even more so in a second attempt/blending family scene.
I think people more and more take the grass is greener approach and see running as the easiest option, rather than taking an issue seriously and committing to making it work mutually for the benefit of all parties involved….especially the children who need stabilty…..more so the second time round.
Yes, you should absolutely stay in the relationship regardless of your feelings. Feelings come and go and can change on a moments notice. You can’t rely on your feelings as a gauge whether to stay or not stay in a relationship. The reason I stay in my marriage is that I made a commitment before God, family and friends – for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. I’ve made a decision to love my wife and I rely on God’s help to help me follow through on the decision. When I don’t “feel” love for my wife, I focus on serving her and staying connected. The other thing I remind myself of is the devasting impact of divorce on children. As a stepfather, I have first hand evidence of the negative effect of divorce on children. I refuse to allow myself to act based on my own selfish feelings to adversely affect the lives of the children in my family.
I guess if you don’t “feel” love for your partner, you have to decide what you do feel. If you only feel like you don’t love your partner for a short period of time during a tough patch, then I believe the relationship is worth fighting for. I went through this patch not so long ago and someone asked me how I would feel if my partner had an affair and I said I would be devastated. I decided there and then that even if I wasn’t feeling love for him at the particular moment, I did really love him. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care if he had an affair or not! Sometimes we just have to get through the tough times and work towards the future.
Depends on the degree doesn’t it…sometimes we go through challenging times in our relationship where you ask yourself do I love this person and is this all worth it then you have some good weeks and you know its all worth it. If your partner makes your skin crawl and you dread going home and you feel like your living with your brother/sister and you want more than just the company then I think its time to move on.
I agree with Gerardo, that marriage is a commitment that we make before GOD. It can be a huge challenge to work through the difficult times. However, it does take TWO people working together for the better of the entire family. When one person “opts out” of taking resposibility for their actions, its very hard for the spouse that wants to discuss things, come up with a workable solution and move ahead in the marriage. THERE MUST BE CONSTANT AND OPEN COMMUNICATION between a husband and wife to destroy any chance of Satan stepping in and causing unresolveable conflict.
my commitment is based on a covenant . even when I do not feel “love” or disagree with my spouse i still need to honor him. i know some people will read this and think that is wrong. I have a saying, “Honor request” even when I am mad, dissapointed, discouraged I still always try to honor his request. I do it out of respect to God and the promise I made. Besides we have three children between us, they have already experienced one divorce and I never want them to have to do that again. Honestly, as long as I do the right thing, and I mean by God’s standards not the standards of our society. It has always worked out.
This is a tough question, simply because I have never questioned my love for the man I am with. It is more of throwing in the towel because of the child that he has brought to the relationship. I love him with my entire being, but it does not make the actions of the child more bearable, and when it is encouraged and even fire added by the mother (with lies this women tells this child, by her actions and the things she says) I do not speak to this child mother and have not for years..one can only turn the other cheek for so long. I remind myself this child is dealing with the unbearable pain of his mother walking out on him, and choosing a life with someone else raising there children. I know it’s acting out in anger, but when being called names, being told I an a piece of crap, wishing me to hell, and other very mean hurtful things. I do think I can’t take it anymore, but remind myself if every women in this child life walks out on him..How weil he treat women in the future? Throwing in the towel is not an easy decision, even if youy love the person heart and soul as they are for who they are..but life is hell because of others, and one does not see god intervening or even a glimmer of hope…then sometimes love really does not matter!
I believe that love is an action of the heart, and not only a feeling. I know many times I don’t feel very loving, however deep down I know that if I look past the pain and circumstances, love is there. There’s a fantastic quote in the movie ‘fireproof’ which says .. “you can’t let the feelings of your heart lead you, you need to lead your heart”. I’ve been married, divorced, and re-married, and I know that although my feelings can be hurt, and circumstances can be really difficult at times, I would give anything to love my husband rather than feel the pain of a broken marriage.
I too have been asking myself this same question lately. I love my partner, but am not IN love with him. Our children are now grown and just about gone, except for the occasional school break and quite honestly, I’m not interested in staying anymore. If I am not “in love” or sexually attracted to my partner, I don’t see the point in staying….maybe I have the flight attitude of “fight or flight”, I’m not getting any younger and don’t have to stay “for the sake of the children”, it’s time for ME to be happy, yes, that sounds selfish, I know, but this is NOT a dress rehearsal, and life is too short to be unhappy.
“Feelings” come and go, love is no exception. I think it’s the level of devotion that we have toward our relationship that determines if we stick it out or not. I get mad at my partner, I feel sad toward him, I feel frustrated, angry, irritated, and even disgusted at times. I aslo feel empathy toward him, I feel pride, admiration, respect, gratitude…all feelings that can and do come and go. The thing about it is this…what drew me to him in the first place, what keeps me conected to him as time goes on is what holds my devotion to him and to our relationship together. Love does have a lot to do with staying or going in a relationship, but devotion plays a big part too. “love” should not be the determining factor.
There have to be 2 people who want it to work. It doesn’t matter how much one of them wants it if the other doesn’t. Somtimes leaving is the only HEALTHY option. I’ve been through 6 years of marriage to a man with 2 teen daughters. The kids are actually good kids, but the bs that HE put me through after all my sacrifices for him and them is absurd and looking back I should have left MUCH sooner than I did. Many of the years I stayed I no longer felt love for him and I an no better off for staying. You shouldn’t leave at the first sign of trouble but for me, I stayed way to long. I have a much clearer head and know exactly what I will never tolerate in my life again!
I think if you do not love the other person in the relationship then get out. I’m just going to be blunt. I feel (and lived it) that when two people are not showing love and attention to each other it affects the relationship in different ways also. Little conflicts lead to bigger ones, little money issues lead to bigger ones and children pick up on these actions as well… Not every relationship is going to be perfect, but not being happy is horrible. Does anyone want to stay and be miserable? I got out of a bad relationship and have been doing things on my own for 7 years. I’ve struggled big time, but happy for the most part. A lot happier than I ever was before.
Your partner may say that he or she loves you but I have found that sometimes it is not the kind of “LOVE” you need.I was in a relationship that always left me feeling empty inside and for my kids sake I really had no other choice but to move on.After leaving I could honestly see things that I couldn’t see while I was in the relatonship.I also was able to take that with me and know waht to look for and what to RUN from when dating, Reply
I am currently going through a difficult situation myself. I do love my husband, but I don’t think I am in love with him anymore. He is a good dad to his 2 daughters, but he has never bonded with our son, which I find really hard to watch. We have tried to talk through our differences on numerous occasions, but he just sees it as ‘the thing we have to do, to shut her up from nagging’ rather than understanding we need to talk and try to rectify things to make our relationship work! The thing that is stopping me leaving is putting my son through what I have seen happen to my step-daughters, its a horrible situation, but I don’t know how long I will be able to live in a situation I am not happy in, for the sake of my son. I feel like a terrible person for saying that, and very selfish which is why I am still here
Thanks for your valuable information in helping families with blending issues. I have been married for over 10 years and am very familiar with unbalance as families emerge. Even if the children are adult and have a living mother the families are non-the less a family some together some not so together. I have learned that when two people make a commitment before God and humanity it is for life and the relationship must be worked on daily or shall I say moment by moment with one or each doing their best to esteeming the other person over themself. When families merge parenting issues should be discussed and possibly counsel should take place where all related and non-related topics regarding merging families should be discussed. This did not happen in my marriage but still has to be worked through with or without the counsel. This is why whole persons should marry and not needy persons who have no clue as to how to sacrifice for the sake of the family. I am old school and my mother did without when the needs of her children were present and that was pretty much all of our lives. I had a strong mother who gave and gave more of herself and today I see mothers trying to get all that they can and sacrifice relationships with spouses and children and this is not the way families were intended to be. God ordains marriage and it is Holy and Sacred and very complex, pretty much a mystery but is workable. I experience problems much like everyone I read about yet I am faithful to my relationship and I know that the only out from God’s point of view is adultry and even then this is forgivable. Since I am forgiven so can I forgive and try to work through the children and ex-spouse issues with or without their knowledge, love in spite of their responses and move on leaving them in their spaces and love life because I have only this time.
No love = no future together. Save your time/suffering and escape while you can… I wasted in excess of 8 years waiting for the empty promises that he could and wanted to make it work. Problem parents produce problem children. No more time or energy for rehearsals 🙂
I’ve been reading everyones posts for months now, It’s a good feeling knowing I’m not the only one going through these issues.
I accept my boyfriend for what he truly is. I wanted us to live with each other before we tied the Knott “2 years later”, to make sure “this time is till death do us part” We have so many of the same interests, out looks on life, we both would rather spend time as a Family verses going out and having dinner with friends. We are both extremely attracted to each other; we have so much in common.
I have one child, A 13 year old son.
My boyfriend has three children, A 13 year old daughter who was diagnosed by a Doctor as a young child as being ADD, 11 year old daughter and 9 year old son, Who has being treated for ADHD at an early age in life.
My boyfriend and I agree on rules and our rules of property with the children and try to treat everyone equal. Our differences come in on how the rules are followed and communicated. We don’t want resentment amongst the children and the parent or the parent and the children.
When it comes to rules My Style is consistent and firm and he is soft and lenient.
My so called “Strict” approach is just to focus on simple responsibilities. My personality towards the kids is compassionate regarding being sensitive to their feelings, as a child I too came from a blended family (I know change can be over whelming)
I’m not the type to hold a grudge. Even if it means catching his 2 girls stealing items from me or his son stealing money from me 3 different times within being 6 days apart. I let the kids know I’m upset with them and not happy with their behavior.
His children face no consequences because he is the enabler. And he is sensitive to the fact that his son has ADHD.
I get so tired of the children going to my Boyfriend and complaining for him to sort things out, that’s already been handled. Seems like he is always mad at me 100% over the kids.
I try to have my boyfriend’s best interest in my decision making. If I think something is important for him to know before he gets home from work, I’ll call him & try to talk to him in private.
I don’t want to just give up this journey in life but is my perseverance going to pay off or should I just throw in the towel?
I pretty much agree with most of what Albe said earlier in this blog. I think “unconditional” love grows in a healthy relationship. But I also believe one has to be committed to the relationship…Something I think too many fail to practice now days.
My advice is that partners should throw away feelings and depend on Jesus as the guide in their affaires for without him nobody can succeed in anything . Try Jesus he will’not fail.James.
I am not sure who you are behind the emails that I recieve from Adele Cornish. I do know that this last email I recieved has hit home so much in my heart, that I had to respond. I am in a relationship and I love this person so much, However, I don’t think this person loves me. I believe this is the hardest thing to go through. Everything one needs from a relationship is not meet and yet they are willing to give it to others. I don’t agree that people should stay in a relationship if they do not love them. I have experienced though, someone who doesn’t even know what love is and blame of their miserable life and behaviors are placed on me. I have lived this life for 3 years, thinking things would change. I come to believe that this person that I am with is staying in this relationship with me and don’t love me. For what ever reasons. Manipulation of my heart has taken me to the depths of being emotionally destroyed. I have to really ask myself why I’m staying in a relationship with this person. It’s who I am. Love to me goes the distance in everything. Love don’t run and hide. Love is to be the strength of all good and bads. I find myself suffering from knowing love and living lies.
I do not feel love for my partner like I did when we first started in our marriage. I understand love changes,hurts and can be a trial in a blended household. We have gone through twelve years of ups and downs with our five kids. I have my son who lives with us and his four are with the mother. Communication is saving us right now. My walk with God is keeping me sane. My committment to God is strong. My marriage to my partner is weak. I chose not to leave because I will not put my son through another crazy ‘relocation’ program suffered in divorces. My partner and I have suffered so many dissapointments brought on by both of us. I do not know if we have the energy or enough care to see this through. A house, the kids and what love there is for each other is what keeps us going so far. We are both at a better place in regards to communicating our feeling/thoughts to one another but the comfort zone once shared the laughter once heard is missing and we are both not miserable but not happy either.
Do not throw in the towel until you have tried all avenues to get back on track. I choose to remember my promise to God,my partner and the kids. It’s not only about ‘me’ !!!
Life is too short to throw away the years left but it seems pathetic and sad to put myself with 47 years of life before the betterment of my son with 15 years of life and still so impressionable. He is in a school with friends,loves his step dad, enjoys his step siblings and consistancy in life.
I will keep a joyful heart and keep my family in prayer always-nice to know I am not alone in this walk. I appreciate everyones honesty the reading was heartfelt.
A roller coaster…yesterday it’s great – tomorrow you get thrown under the bus by the stepdaughters and other mother. I thought things were fine now I am an evil monster. Partner loves and supports me …just hate this roller coaster. Feel very much like throwing in towel and giving up .. let them win and see how happy everyone is. I will be the grown up just hate how I feel.
I remember a great quote I heard in a movie once don’t ask me which one I just remember this. The charactor was talking about his wife passing and how sad he was and he said “we ended on a good year”. What I took from this was marriage isn’t a fairy tale and it’s not always going to be happy and easy. But you get through the bad times and love the good ones and you just try to always respect yourself and your partner. I think we forget that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Marriage can be challange especially one where there is a blended family and as long as you can retain your self and like each other and respect and embrace everyones need to their own individuality within the family unit, the love comes and goes but the family stays intact, and hopefully the good times out weigh the bad.
Also that life is a journey and we are always learning and sometimes you will be ahead and other times your partner will be. No matter what happens these days I try to always be honest,in a kind way not blaming or accusing and I have found since doing this my family have responded in a really positive way. We have all started to express ourselves to each other. I think being kind and understandingto each other can be the greatest gift to any marriage.
If your husband won’t discipline his children and, he and his ex wife (who has borderline personality disorder) won’t allow you to, and he files for custody behind your back, and you find out from someone he works with… Run like hell. It won’t get any better, and if he can’t put his marriage first in the beginning he never will. Been there and now broke.
Remarrying anyone who has kids… Run like hell!
Wow, this really hit home. I am at this crossroad right now. I’ve been married for three years, in marriage counselling for two of those three years. My husband has chronic depression, which has been there on the horizon our entire marriage. It means kids walking on eggshells, short temper, impatience…and an overall unhappy cloud hovering over our family. This year became a nightmare. He became non-functional and had to be hospitalized…before he came home his daughter was also hospitalized for bi-polar and oppositional disorder. And then we came to find out, my daughter was raped by a good friend. His daughter is no longer speaking to us (she’s 12) because she doesn’t like the rules in our house, my husband’s depression has been spiraling because of the lose of the relationship with his daughter, his son stopped going to school because of his depression and stress, my daughter has regressed (she 13) to child like behaviors (always needing to be with me and very clingy) She hates her step father, she thinks her step brother hates her, she thinks her step sister is a whiny *itch and I’m left feeling empty. I told my husband I can’t live like this anymore. He now wants to fight for the relationship. I don’t know if I have the fight left in my. I want the last 5 years of my daughter living at home to happy ones without walking on eggshells, with her friends feeling welcome and happy to come over. Is this the kind of relationship to save?
This is a really hard question to answer as there are no black and whites. Excluding abusive relationships, not being “in love” with one’s spouse can be a legitimate reason to leave. However, know that if you decide to leave and you have kids at home, it WILL impact them in some way. I had a split from my first husband that was very amicable but I think it still negatively impacted my kids a lot. They have recovered (I think) but I wish their dad had been willing to work on our problems in counseling instead of taking the quick way out.
Adults make commitments and decisions that in the end, effect everyone around them. A divorce does not just end a relationship between two people. Once children are born, those parents are connected for the rest of their lives, like it or not. Another relationship or subsequent marriage doesn’t change the need to communicate over matters that only the biological parents can address. And, let’s not forget the financial aspect. Do you really think two households survive better on the same income they had when they were married? I didn’t want, or file for my divorce. I was committed to the good, the bad and the future of every season life brought us….anyone can walk away, but it takes adults to stay and honor their commitment to their family, and their children.
As Christians we need to follow Jesus in every area of our lives. The problem with this world is that Christians are not holding up the standards that Jesus set in his word. There is nothing too hard for God, our marriages and families can be saved if we just hang in there and encourage others to truly be committed to God. Do we really believe or are we just Pharisees, all talk and no lifestyle that proves that we are followers of Jesus. Hang in there and please don’t give up!!!
I am currently going through this phase of “what should i do?” I am working on my way out after 8 yr.s. I don’t want to but it seems like the only other option. I love my lady, but cannot stand being put down for helping and not helping. My situation is so confusing, its her way or nothing at all. I would love to work it out but the constant barrage on a daily basis is wearing me down. I am asking friends for advice and they in turn want me to be with them. do you think i should throw in the towel or try to make it work?reply
Allen My advice would be to tell your partner how you have been feeling, I find sometimes when I have something to say to my partner that I know he is going to really react to I write him a letter. I also try to not play the blame game but always come at it by saying how the situation is making me feel and not attack him for his behaviour. It may take sometime and you may have to keep trying gently. But in my case my patience has paid off I really can’t beleive the change in my life since I have started communicating my feelings our relationship has opened up so much. And we have started working together to raise our family. Although I completly understand this can be really scary to contemplate. Good Luck:)
Love is a constant. When I am upset at my husband I will tell him, “I will always love you but right now I really don’t like you”. The love is always there no matter what. The love is what makes us work continuously to return to “likening” one another when things get yucky. Without the love there would be no reason to even try to make thing okay when they’re not. When you stop caring about returning to a state of homeostasis it’s your love that’s in trouble.
Marraige is a Commitment not a Feeling. Some of us are just lucky because we always feel love for our spouse 🙂
Love is a verb. For a relationship to last both parties must make a commitment to love (act in loving ways) toward the other. It is the action that is loving not the feeling. Our feelings can often deceive us.
I know in my heart that I love my husband and I know I made a commitment in front of God..’for better or for worse’..but it seems that since we were married 3 years, that it has all been ‘worse’. I believe that the Bible teaches us that the love for your spouse is different than the love you have for your children. It does not mean that you love your children less. I believe that with that love you respect your spouse, and do not allow your children to disrespect your spouse, whether they resent or dislike them. My husband does not believe the same. This has become a critical issue in our marriage… to a point, where I have moved out and left the house we built together we were married. I’m not sure where to go from here…