Expartners: Parental Alienation and its effect
Adele Cornish, BSW
Below are the responses from a couple who have experienced the devastating effects of parental alienation
Here what one stepmother had to say:
“The mother of my stepson has been intentionally poisoning him against his father since he was about 5 years old. The poisoning escalates every time a new event happens in my husband’s life (i.e. when we got married, then again when we had our first child, then again when we had our second child, etc.). Now, my stepson is so wrapped up in her lies and brainwashing that he has aligned himself with his mother and is contributing to the denigration of his father with no guilt! Although is has been 9+ years since my husband and my stepson’s mother broke up, she actively expresses that she is still upset about them not being together and tells my stepson that his dad left her and that everything bad in her life is his father’s fault. She actively pushes my stepson to lie, and my stepson makes up bad experiences at our house just to make his mom feel good. The false allegations are getting so out of hand, that we are thinking about giving up our joint timesharing so my stepson does not have to be a pawn in his mother’s war against his father. Since we have two other sons together, we cannot jeopardize them and our well being. It makes me very upset, sick to my stomach, and angry that a parent is willing to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent out of spite. It also makes me very sad because my husband is a wonderful father, and he and his oldest son will not have the benefit of having a loving relationship with each other as long as his mother continues the alienation.”
The following response is from her husband:
“Parental alienation is one of the most heartbreaking acts to witness or to be a victim of. To see your child’s innocence and consciousness stripped away or muddled makes you feel helpless. It is often hard to fulfill the responsibility of parenting your child while at the same time battling the effects of parental alienation. To me, it is without doubt that being the targeted parent of parental alienation is one of the most horrific experiences possible.”
Have you experienced parental alienation? How have you coped with it? We look forward to your response.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
My husband and I have been married 8 years. He has 2 daughters that are now 15 and 13. Their mother has severely alienated them against their father with absolutely no basis. When they divorced, he came very close to getting full custody because their mother had left to be with another man and the court viewed it as abandonment. My husband gave in to allowing her to be the custodial parent, not wanting to separate 2 girls from their mother. They were both under 4 at the time. I think their mother has always felt insecure about her parenting which led to fear of losing custody and may have led to the alienation. Since we’ve been married, there has always been a blowout every other friday when its time for him to pick up the girls. The girls fight not to come over and they can’t even articulate why they don’t want to come. Once they settle in at our home, we actually have a lot of fun.
About a year ago, he started having health problems that seemed to be tied into stress and he simply decided he wasn’t going to fight to get them anymore; if they didn’t want to come, he didn’t pick them up. He told them to let him know when they want to come and they never initiated a visit. He is heart broken. He tried to restart visitation several times, but they refuse to visit and he doesn’t have it in him to go to court again (he has been back in court several times for increases in child support). He is a good man and father. He has never revealed to the girls that they divorced due to their mother’s infidelity and never speaks a bad word of her to them. She remarried and despite their negative feelings about their new stepdad, he just repeatedly told them to give him a chance. He stays on the high road despite constant opposition but it never seems to pay off. Everyone tells us that eventually they will see the truth, but honestly, we are not so sure. Alienation is deep and insidious and makes an imprint that’s hard to erase.
I am the victim of parental alienation from my ex-husband. We have been apart for ten years. We have four wonderful boys. My boys’ dad has primary custody, which I fought against and lost.
I won’t bore readers with the nasty details of the poison my ex has planted in the minds of our kids. Suffice it to say that it takes a ton of discipline not to reciprocate. Not that it would make a difference after a decade of being made the bad guy and the scapegoat for all that is wrong in my ex’s life.
My boys are completely loyal to their dad.
There were times when I was ready to throw in the towel and not insist on visitation when the kids didn’t want to come to my house; my heart was so broken and I could not stand the estrangement.
My second husband told me NOT TO GIVE UP. He named various reasons why I should not back down and let the kids choose whether they come over or not. The best reason he gave me was “What message are you sending the kids? Do you want them to think you don’t care?”
The second best reason to enforce my rights to visitation: “How would you expect your kids to acquire any of your values of they are no longer exposed to them?’
I know everybody’s situation has something unique about it, but I encourage any one who is suffering from an ex’s parental alienation not to give up hope. Two of my sons are now adults and they do see things for what they are…namely, that their dad told them lies about me AND also their dad just can’t “get his act together”. It turns out that my ex is emotionally immature, takes zero responsibility for his actions, blaming everyone else even when the situation warrants no blame. These two sons still hear the lies from Dad but now give him little creedence. Their dad also throws tantrums but they just leave the room and choose to remain aloof.
Four years ago my second child (now 18) was to the point of not even speaking to me, skipping school and getting into serious trouble. (His dad of course blamed the delinquent acts on me.)I persevered however in my mothering duties and it has paid off. I am pleased to report that things have turned around 180 degrees. He is a hard-working college student on a merit-based scholarship, very respectful to adults and a good citizen. He tells me “thanks for believing in me, Mom. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
I don’t fish for statements like that; but they sure are great to hear!
Still having two minors that are heavily influenced by dear old dad, I can’t let my guard down. Some of the characteristics that I can’t stand in my ex are starting to manifest themselves in my two youngest. I just keep my negative comments to myself. It helps to focus on the positive. Try to keep working on teaching them to be capable and responsible.
I know there aren’t any guarentees. All I can say is as long as you know where your kids are living (in other words not in some kidnapped without-a-trace situation) it is worth it to remain in their lives to the best of your ability. You never know at what point the truth will sink in…or even if it ever will sink in.
But how tragic to wake up one day in the future and wonder if you could have done more….
Well, my marriage to husband #2 didn’t last, but I am grateful to him for the encouragement he gave me to take a leap of faith and do what was right, not convenient.
I can speak from experience as a child stuck in a situation like this. It is very heartbreaking to hear one parent say horrible things about the other. The end result is I never knew whom to believe and was stack in the middle. That lack of trust is the most damaging experience for a child, especially knowing that your own parents do not love you (according to the tales of one or both of the parents). I think that parents get carried away in parental battles that they often forget about the experience of the child. I am fortunate now that even though I am divorced, I have learned from experience how horrible is to speak badly of the other parent. We even went to a court assigned class with my ex husband where that message was reinforced. Until this day neither I or my former husband has said a bad word about the other parent, nor grandparents. We also make sure they do not hear us talking to anyone about the other parent negatively. That has greatly contributed to a very positive relationship between my former husband and me, and also between my fiance and him. Also my son, and my step-son to be look at my ex with a lot of respect and talk to him, interact with him, and play with him. We do not criticize each other and that is a great practice in my opinion. I feel sorry for those who cannot recognize the damage they are causing to their children and their former spouse by continuing to battle even after the divorce. My fiance’s former wife is like that. Interestingly, her son (my step-son to be) sees the difference between my ex’s communications with me, and his dad’s communication with his mom and he has tried to bridge that gap by asking them to hug, even asking her to hug me (for a greeting), but she refuses to cross that line, that thick border line. I guess some people could never forgive and accept their own mistakes in a relationship, because, remember relationships are made of two, not one person, and everyone plays a certain role in the break up.
Thanks for sharing such wonderful words of encouragement, hope and advice from experience, please keep them coming for those who can’t yet see light at the end of the tunnel.
My fiance and I are in the same situation, I have 2 boys that I have custody of, they see their dad every other weekend. My fiance has his 3 boys 50% of the time. His ex-wife is horrible…. she does not like me and does not hide it at all infront of the 3 boys. She talks bad about me and the boys hate me. Most of the time it feels like I am walking on egg shells in my own home. They talk to me when they need to. The five boys get along for the most part, but we do have fighting between them.
My fiance told me over the weekend that he feels like he is loosing the connection between him and his oldest son which is 11 yrs old. His oldest son is the one that gives me the most problems ( I dont need to listen to you, you cant tell me what to do). It is hard. My fiance and I talk alot, he resently asked me to change my visitation schedule so that the boys are not here on the same weekends… I really dont know if I feel comfortable in that… He wants less stress by separating the boys. Why should I change my weekend??? He says that my ex is more laid back and would be willing to help us where his ex would use it against us some how.
There are so many things…..where do I start????
I feel for anyone who has been a victim of parental alienation. It takes a strong and true relationship for a couple to survive this. I too have been well still am in this situation. But although over the past 7 years I have got greyer things have a got a little easier.
My situation is my partner and I have been together 7 years and living togather 5 years. I have one 14 year old boy who has just this year gone to his father to live in another city 2 hours away and my partner has a 17 year old boy a 14 and 13 year old girls that the mother is custodian but they spend on average 35% time per year (holidays and 2nd weekends) with their father at our place. His Ex has been difficult right from the start and tried to alienate the children from him to get back at the situation she did not like (seperation). Initially she would talk very badly in front of the kids to him when he went to pick up and other times (calling him a nothing better than a dog etc). She would use excuses for them not to come over on his time. He eventually went to family court to get some objectivity put in to the scene. He also is self employed and pays her wage (sustantial amount far more than the govt calculation) plus she works 25 hours a week. The power he has over her to get what he wants is to tell her he will not pay her this week if she does not comply with arrangements. This usually works. It is 7 years later she has not moved on and is very over weight and having a love affair with food and blaming him. The kids are quite good now but hate me and my son. They only speak to us when have to and one daughter has done some real mean and unjustified things to my son. The mother dosn’t bad mouth my partner much now cose it dosn’t have effect on their dad who they love. But now the mother still bad mouths me to try and be destructive in our relationship. My EX knows what she is like but says he can’do anyhing cose it is not overtly done. She is very clever and very jealous. Anyway things are a bit more bearable as the kids don’t seem to be so hostile to me anyway….but I do get stressed when they are there and feel like on egg shells. My partner and have just built a house and he wants his kids there as much as poss. He also likes it when my son is not there at same time as it is less stessful. My son wants to come back and live with me next year and although my partner has not said it I ;m sure he won’t be too happy. He says to me you have had your son all these years and I have missed out on mine.
Anyway I think if your relationship is worth it and you can both communicate and compromise then it is worth staying and battling or either move to another home and see each when time suits.
I really feel your pain Helen! In my similar relationship, I try to tell myself that although I can’t control “their” behaviour,(the exwife & daughter 26yrs old) I do have the option of controlling the way I react and how I let it effect me. My partner is alienated from his daughter but still has contact with his 21yr son, who used to live with us. He and my 2 sons, aged 12 and 16, are constantly battling & bickering. The resentment is growing… I don’t know what to do anymore. My partners’ daughter, who was vicious about him leaving her mother, (she used the sanctity of marriage card) has just left her husband for another guy. She told everyone not to tell my partner (her father) about it. (guilty concience…) My partner now thinks this might open the door for him to have her back in our lives…I’m worried! I’m also worried he is driving my children away. They spend more time with their father than ever.
I can speak from experience as a child stuck in a situation like this. It is very heartbreaking to hear one parent say horrible things about the other. The end result is I never knew whom to believe and was stack in the middle. That lack of trust is the most damaging experience for a child, especially knowing that your own parents do not love you (according to the tales of one or both of the parents). I think that parents get carried away in parental battles that they often forget about the experience of the child. I am fortunate now that even though I am divorced, I have learned from experience how horrible is to speak badly of the other parent. We even went to a court assigned class with my ex husband where that message was reinforced. Until this day neither I or my former husband has said a bad word about the other parent, nor grandparents. We also make sure they do not hear us talking to anyone about the other parent negatively. That has greatly contributed to a very positive relationship between my former husband and me, and also between my fiance and him. Also my son, and my step-son to be look at my ex with a lot of respect and talk to him, interact with him, and play with him. We do not criticize each other and that is a great practice in my opinion. I feel sorry for those who cannot recognize the damage they are causing to their children and their former spouse by continuing to battle even after the divorce. My fiance’s former wife is like that. Interestingly, her son (my step-son to be) sees the difference between my ex’s communications with me, and his dad’s communication with his mom and he has tried to bridge that gap by asking them to hug, even asking her to hug me (for a greeting), but she refuses to cross that line, that thick border line. I guess some people could never forgive and accept their own mistakes in a relationship, because, remember relationships are made of two, not one person, and everyone plays a certain role in the break up.
Great comment Bruce. Thanks for sharing what you’ve learnt from experience.
This is all so sad and so brutal. And it happens in my life too, and I am striving to find a way around it—with no luck. My problem is that I cannot handle all of the negative things said about me–the stepmom–to my step-kids by their mother and her family. But they do it so passively that I don’t think the kids, 8 and 11, really get it, but they get the jist and I feel it in them everytime custody changes. They are sweet kids, who, after nearly 5 years, get along great with my three kids in a truly lovely blend. My husband has been diagnosed as terminal in stage iv metastatic melanoma, and to save him the stress of dealing with his chronically irresponsible ex-wife (kids are late, don’t have their stuff, oops I forgot…this one has this going on tonight…) I have taken over the emailing. He doesn’t need the stress, per his doctor’s orders. Every email has some dig–I’m emotionally abusing the kids, I requested she get them long-sleeved sun shirts for our water vacation (she makes ten times what we do combined and pays no child support). I am accused of demanding things—when I’m trying to protect the kids from the same melanoma that has made their father ill. I can’t seem to bounce back from her comments, or her old dad’s when he gets in the fray because ’she can’t handle it’. It knocks me out and ruins my mood. Four years later I’m just worn down by the negativity toward me. It’s debilitating and now my friends are concerned that I will get sick with the prolonged stress and aggravation. And my poor kids! In the mix. I want to ‘give them back’ and at least spare mine! I feel like it’s an either or. My eldest just graduated from high school yesterday and I feel like I’ve spent the past four years fighting with my husband’s ex and letting her ineffectual parenting negatively impact my entire life. My husband’s actual life? My own children’s lives? It’s really really tempting and I am seeing a counselor to best decide how to proceed. If this life raft is sinking, I know who I’m grabbing.
I can speak from experience as a child stuck in a situation like this. It is very heartbreaking to hear one parent say horrible things about the other. The end result is I never knew whom to believe and was stack in the middle. That lack of trust is the most damaging experience for a child, especially knowing that your own parents do not love you (according to the tales of one or both of the parents). I think that parents get carried away in parental battles that they often forget about the experience of the child. I am fortunate now that even though I am divorced, I have learned from experience how horrible is to speak badly of the other parent. We even went to a court assigned class with my ex husband where that message was reinforced. Until this day neither I or my former husband has said a bad word about the other parent, nor grandparents. We also make sure they do not hear us talking to anyone about the other parent negatively. That has greatly contributed to a very positive relationship between my former husband and me, and also between my fiance and him. Also my son, and my step-son to be look at my ex with a lot of respect and talk to him, interact with him, and play with him. We do not criticize each other and that is a great practice in my opinion. I feel sorry for those who cannot recognize the damage they are causing to their children and their former spouse by continuing to battle even after the divorce. My fiance’s former wife is like that. Interestingly, her son (my step-son to be) sees the difference between my ex’s communications with me, and his dad’s communication with his mom and he has tried to bridge that gap by asking them to hug, even asking her to hug me (for a greeting), but she refuses to cross that line, that thick border line. I guess some people could never forgive and accept their own mistakes in a relationship, because, remember relationships are made of two, not one person, and everyone plays a certain role in the break up.
i can so relate to all of this!!! i have a boyfriend who has 3 children and thier mother is so dead against them haveing a relationship with us,, she chose to move out and be with another man but still to this day keeps telling their kids it was all their dads fault! she even went through a parenting class witch is required in the state of montana when you get a divorce, i thought for sure she would soak some of that info in but i guess not,his youngest isnt allowed to bring any of her belonging to our house or vise ver sa she isnt allowed to even talk about what goes on over at our house, its so dam fustrating to see her have to be scared and worry if her moms going to get mad !!! what does one do to help these poor kids out cuz they are the victims not her!!!
Parental alienation is a difficult problem to find a solution too it seems – do nothing and eventually you are the bad guy in your children’s eyes. But what is the right action to take?, I’m not so sure. As I have always had a close, open and honest relationship with my children I chose to show them the evidence and let them make up their own minds without saying any negative comments about their mother. I await the long-term outcome of my choice.