Blending with special needs children
Adele Cornish, BSW
Blending is seldom a smooth journey but for those coping with children who have special needs, the pressures can be intensified.
Good support and information is crucial in assisting couples to navigate the hurdles and remain committed to succeeding.
Hearing from others who have traveled the road is hugely valuable and this is where you can help.
If you have experience raising children with physical, mental or mood disorders in a blended family, please share what you have learnt in order to encourage others in a similar situation.
Thanks for responding, I appreciate your time!
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. For ideas on how to quickly and easily gain dramatic improvement in an ADHD child please click here
I’m very interested in reading what others write in regards to this subject. I am a widower that married a divorcee four and a half years ago. While my two adult children were very respectful towards my late wife, (their mom), and I as we raised them, my new wife’s children were at the other end of the spectrum. Both minors, they lived mostly with us. The stepdaughter, with ADHD and Anxiety issues, is now in college. The stepson, still in high school and with ADHD, Depression and various mood disorders, still lives at home, and recently turned 18. I knew of the children’s issues before my wife and I married, but with faith and a lot of love chose to enter their lives anyway. At first, my wife and I agreed to “co-parent” equally. I was very involved with the kids schooling and extra-curricular activities, and also shared in disciplining them at home. Over time, my wife decided I shouldn’t have as much say in her kids lives and eventually her role evolved back to more of a single mom. I really have no relationship with her daughter at this time, and when she comes home from college, we mostly just coexist, saying little to each other. I think this was exasperated by a stepdaughter that tends to push others out of her life and by a mom that encouraged the daughter’s actions by not being more proactive or prioritizing her marriage and husband (although she says she does). My role with my step son has been very rocky, but also solid. He has severe mood disorder issues involving attempted suicide numerous times. He also responds differently to men than he does women, so many times I can relate with him better than his mom. However, not being the biological parent, I still get a lot of “you’re not my parent” from him. His dad exists, but his son is not always a priority.
I honestly believe that if the spouses can support each other, accept the parenting styles of the other, and put the priority on supporting the spouse ahead of the child, and let the different parenting styles coexist and compliment each other, instead of the biological parent believing only their parenting style is appropriate (or vice versa), there will be less turmoil in the marriage. I also believe that the step parent has to be willing to accept the step child as their own and have a lot of patience and understanding to enter into such a marriage. While my step son and I disagree often, he will also come to me frequently for attention or support. Our family dynamics are also affected by extended family members advice and actions, that do not live with the issues we face on a daily basis. There is a lot of stress in our marriage because of different parenting styles, and two very strong willed spouses. As the step parent, it’s very hard to know your role, when you are told to just be the good Uncle Frank, but you’re not Uncle Frank, as you are married to the step kids mom and share the home environment full time!
Wow where do I begin…I guess I should begin with a brief account of life before blending…I am now onto my second blended family…makes me look like a serial divoree hey. I jokingly tell people I am trying to catch up to Liz Taylor the actress…she was married 8 times wasn’t she?
Ok so her goes…my life and it’s dramas…as briefly as possible:
Had idendical twins 23 yrs ago. Extremely prem…like 14+ weeks early. I had maternal Listeria and we were the first doc case in more than 25 yrs. The baby’s usually died in utero or soon after birth…my two survived and this I was told was a medical miracle.
Major medical hurdles faced…Disabilities…rare complex syndromes…multi plus surgeries (15 in all)…not all sussessful.
Married a lovely man who adored the twins and the twins called him daddy. Pregnant with a little sister on the way and life looked grand.
Shocking pregnancy…difficult birth…one twin diagnosed with an epileptic syndrome so rare and complex that no one medically knew what to do.
Little girl sexually abused by family friend when she was 4.
Hubby was always a bit odd but seemed to get worse and his anger and outburst became worse and worse. Found out yrs later he has aspergers.
Eventually kicked him out which was a horrendous traumatic experience I would never like to go through again.
Remarried within a yr of booting ex out and in that yr I found out my then 7 yr old daughter had anxiety and depression so bad she need medication. New hubby was not sympathetic at all as he has 2 perfectly normal kids. He never liked or got on with the twin who has extreme and complex special needs so things were not the best. New hubby had no patience for my daughter who’s behaviour was challenging etc…doesn’t take much to work out this new marraige was a train wreak about to happen…but wait as there is a light at the ended of the tunnel so hang in there and I’ll let you know how it all pans out but first one more shocking thing that happened.
When the twins were 19 I felt The Lord gentle whisper to me ( yes I am a Christian and have been for close to 20 yrs now) that all was not well with my ‘ok’ twin boy…he had left home at 17 to live with his grandparent because I couldn’t handle his nasty spiteful behaviour….little did I know at that time the cause of that shocking behaviour.
In a nutshell his step father…the father of my daughter…had molested him for the last 4 yrs of what was a dreadful marraige. I could go into great detail but I won’t other than to say…the father of my daughter went to jail.
So now back to the light at the end of the tunnel…during early days of marraige…3rd hubby gave his life to The Lord and whilst things have been and at times still are hard….let’s face it we are all a work in progress…things are beginning to improve and rather that look towards the legal system to become another divorce stat…they say three marraiges have worst stats that 2nd marriages…I am now looking to The Lord who is well able to get the train wreak that’ was about to happen back on track again…life is now calmer…nicer and the horrible times are becoming less and less.
Bit of advice from someone who has done the hard yard and still had away to go…we can only fix ourselves…we can’t fix our spouse but we can work on fixing ourselves….the more whole and healed we become the less the conflict happens. I have spent lots of time on my knees in prayer and equally as much time seeking good Christian counselling and doing the homework needed to deal with all my baggage.
Accountably for ones own behaviour goes along way towards healing what looks like immpossible situations.
All 3 of my children have special needs in varying degrees….if we can survive this 3rd marraige then there is hope for others out there….a cord of three strands isn’t easily broken…one strand is me….one strand is 3rd hubby and the more improtant strand is The Lord…he will never break even if our strand gets thin an raggy…God’s strand never ever changes…it is always strong.