Stepparenting: Why do it?
Adele Cornish, BSW
Stepparenting is hard work and can at times feel rather unrewarding. If you are a stepparent, what motivates you to try your best at this challenging task? Is it…
*for the sake and benefit of your couple relationship?
*to use the opportunity to feed positively into your stepchild’s life?
*to develop within you the type of personal traits such as patience, perseverance and grace that only grow through times of trial?
What are your thoughts on this?
Warm regards
I’m living with a man with a 7 year old and 9 year old daughters which we have most weekends. My boys are 16 and 19 so spending time with girls is totally foreign to me and although I feel ashamed to say it I dread every moment I spend with the 7 year old. She is demanding and spoilt. I never tolorated whining and demanding behaviour from my boys and if needed they were disciplined. My partner lets her get away with everything as this is how she is allowed to live when at home with her mother. She dictates what she will and won’t eat, when and if she showers, brushes her hair or cleans her teeth or goes to bed. I find this unacceptable and believe that kids need some boundries so that they have structure in their lives and grow into productive human beings. It has caused disagreements between my partner and I but I believe we have a special couples relationship that is worth putting effort into. If this relationship was to ever end I would not be with a man with young kids again as I don’t find it at all rewarding. I have made it quite clear to her and her father, with his agreement, that when she comes this weekend she will live by our rules so it could be interesting.
I love step-parenting, however, my live-in boyfriend does not. I feel very hurt and angry by this because, when his kids are here every other weekend, I make an effort to make them feel as a part of this family. His daughter is my shadow when she’s here and we enjoy each other’s company. I have a completely different personality than the childrens’ father and mother, and I feel it’s a good way for them to see other views and sides of things and other ways of life. Not that I undermine their parents’ wishes or sense of order by all means, but I feel a sense of responsibility towards them to make them feel welcome and loved. I think the more people that love and care for children, the better. Unfortunately, on the other hand, my son lives with my boyfriend and me, and I sense a competition and resentment by both of them. We have been together for 4 years and my boyfriend (ex-fiance’) still does not feel a sense of responsibility towards my son. For this reason, I am thinking of leaving him. It is important for all children to feel loved and wanted and cherished. If the live-in doesn’t have a sense of accountability for the stepchild, there is a lack of security for that child. We had a problem with my ex-fiance (now boyfriend) being a Disneyland Dad while his kids were here and then excluding himself when it was just me and my son. It has gotten better, but it has taken 4 years of arguments, some counseling, and a whole lot of patience on my part. Again, it has gotten better, but it seems he isn’t cut up to be someone else’s son’s father. I really believe it takes a certain kind of personality to get along with someone else’s children.
My partner and I want to raise our five children in a loving, stable family home and believe that this is easier to do with two adults than in two single parent household.s We have been very deliberate in our approach and use a fabulous counsellor to get us through the tough times. Blending is not easy, we have a parenting plan and have focused on merging our parenting styles to a new family culture. This is time consuming and sometimes emotionally hard, but we consider the effort worth it, for us and for the children. And one day when they are all gone on to their own lives (whether they are still living with us or not) we will have each other, and that is what I treasure. Until the grandchildren arrive at least!
My fiance has a 10yo boy and 6yo girl. I dont have kids nor do I ever want any. We have the kids week on, week off for the whole week which is exhausting for me. I absolutely love the weeks without the kids!
I have recently found myself becoming more and more negative towards the kids and even resentful of them at times. It was negatively affecting the entire family and I was worried it would affect my relationship which I treasure above anything else.
I decided to get help. I have been reading any book about step parenting I can get my hands on and also attending a 6 week ‘Strengthening Stepfamilies’ course – I highly recommend this! I am feeling a lot more positive and I am making more effort with the kids – the response in their behaviour is amazing. Most of all, my fiance is noticing the effort I am making and we are stonger for it too.
I dont love my stepkids, and I am not putting any pressure on myself to feel that way. It might come with time but even if not, we can still make an effort to enjoy each other and have fun as a family unit. I think it’s important to find your own ‘place’ in the family even though you can often feel like the odd one out. I do it all for the wonderful man that is to become my husband next year. When its bad its easy to wonder if its worth it but its surprising how far a little effort goes with the kids. Good luck to all those new stepparents out there!
I am a step-child and a step-parent. I have hopes everyday that we can get through this and come up on top. My dream is one day my kids (bio and step) can say ‘the things we put each other through’ and laugh about it and able to share and pass on to each other. Every kid goes through this stage of everything is their fault when in fact it has nothing to do with them or with what they did. I hope I can be near as good as my step-dad was to me. He helped, nourished, and encouraged me it whatever I did. Girl-scout meetings to basketball games. Even in college he helped with books ,not buying them on his own,but with me “making sure I got the right one”. My step-children don’t show me the same respect that I was brought up with or the same respect that adults should get (too much tv), but I am hoping to install that everybody needs to be treated the same and have respect for everyone they meet. Why I do it — for the love of the children and the love of my life.
My stepson (I rarely use that word) is 12 and lives with my husband and I. His mother passed away due to sickness a few years ago. It can be very difficult sometimes, as I find myself walking a tightrope between being a mom for him and still forming a relationship with him. Some people say I need to be his friend, but he is at the age where you have to be behind him to ensure homework is done, packed away, handed in, etc., along with his other responsibilities. Besides, he needs a Mom. Although his face will drop when he is scolded, he knows that he can appreciate my love–that we have good times as well. I came to the conclusion that I have to take responsibility for his actions. There’s only so much, “Honey, I didn’t like that he did…” Let’s face it–the female of the family, even in this day and age, manages the home. At some point, she has to reinforce or make the rules.
One thing that has made me understand my relationship with my older son more was when I gave birth to a child. I see the natural love that results between biological mom and son. I also see that even in that relationship, he’ll get upset with me, and vice versa, so it’s okay. I believe in the power of prayer, and it has allowed our relationship, and the family as a whole, to grow in leaps and bounds.
I have been in a relationship with a fabulous man for 2.5 years and we have lived together with his 4 children week about for the past two years. His children are aged 7 to 14 years. I do not have any children of my own.
The first year was really tough, as we sought to establish boundaries and ‘house-rules’ and I worked on developing a relationship with each child. I went through a lot of spaces, mainly characterised by anger, resentment and frustration at all the work involved in running a large family, with little appreciation expressed by the children. My vege garden was often my sanctuary when I could not trust myself to speak!
My partner was always very supportive, backing me up in front of the kids and generally agreeing with my approach.
However, one of the areas we really had to transform was his ‘laissez faire’ approach to parenting, where he would not discipline the kids for bad behaviour nor impose consequences. I think it was the old chestnut of bio-parent guilt, where he was afraid that if he disciplined them, they would decide to go and live full-time with their mum.
After many conversations and him attending some leadership course this year, he has really taken this area on and has started doing ‘his job’ as a bio-parent, creating boundaries and consequences for the kids. We had a family conference where we looked at all the jobs involved in running a large household and each child nominated the jobs they would do on a daily and weekly basis. They can clearly see what they need to do on a chart – there are no mysteries! We established an agreement whereby there are to be no complaints about jobs, nor do we have to ask them to do their jobs a dozen times. It’s not perfect, but the levels of angst and frustration have certainly reduced.
My partner often acknowledges the contribution I make to him and his children and delights in passing on positive comments the kids make about me. This has been the biggest challenge I have ever taken on, but also the most rewarding.
The rewards of step-parenting are in watching four children grow up into independent, confident, pleasant, loving, responsible people and knowing I have been a significant contribution to that. It is also the overwhelming feeling of love when my 7yo step-daughter comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist and gives me a big squeeze. Indescribable joy!
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. He has three sons from his first marriage and we have a daughter together who is 2.5 years old. I have a fantastic relationship with my stepsons aged 14, 10 and 6 which has fortunately for me been a fairly easy transition, they are beautiful boys. We had the same problems as most stepfamilies mainly with my partner not disciplining at all in the early days but he has done some major soul searching and stepping up over the last couple of years and is an amazing Dad, totally plugged in. The problem we have is dealing with the ex wife as my partner and his ex are completely unable to communicate. There can be hostility but mostly just a silence or an ignoring or total disrespect of one another. This is getting noticed by the boys and it makes me feel really sad that they have to see this. I find it so difficult to deal with this because I like to face things head on and get a resolution so with a LOT of counselling and courses, I am learning to back off and not expect there to always be a resolution. The biggest hurdle currently is that my partner wants to go to a week on week off arrangement with his boys who have previously stayed with us one weeknight, every second weekend and one half of all school holidays. My partner’s ex will not even discuss it and has just said “no” which has distressed my partner greatly particularly because each of the boys are really keen on the idea. I hate to see him so upset and he is such a great parent that I cannot understand why his ex would not agree. I could understand if my partner was looking to have more than 50% of time but he is totally supportive of the fact that they should be with their mum as much as possible too. Also, in so many ways it would make her life easier because my partner at the moment is doing most of the drop offs and pick ups for her anyway (he is playing stay at home Dad at the moment) as she is working and studying. This is also hard for him because he is only snatching pockets of time and feels that he is not able to spend more meaningful time with his boys who love him helping them with their homework, kicking the footy etc. I sometimes find it overwhelming to realise that this is how my life will be now forever, having to make compromises that I might not have to make if I were not in a stepfamily situation but in saying that, Rachel, I am with you 100% because when my 6 and 10 year old stepsons (th 14 year old is way too cool) come running to the door (when I get home from work) with their 2 year old sister in tow and through themselves at me with the biggest hugs, I truly know that I would not want to be anywhere else in this world!
I’m just getting into step-parenting I have 2 step children. I think it is important to think of the children as your as well as your spouses. The step-children are grown but there is still some guidance for them. Mt husband tells me that I spoil my daughter by taking her to school instead of letting her ride the bus. I rather take her to school and she be safe rather than for her to ride the bus and be sexually assaulted because of the amount of boys that ride the bus is my response. We are new to this area is another. Where we moved from she had nothing to worry about because her brother already set the standard of being a protective brother and everybody knew not to mess with her. It is different here no one knows him. My husband on the other hand needs patience and understanding. I am still praying for him.
I am step mum to 3 boys who are 18, 16 and 12. My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 4 and have a 2 and a half year old daughter. A tthe time we met I was after the “perfect” relationship after having been burned by an awful one and step parenting was SO not on my “ideal” list. However when you meet the right person it changes your perspective. Mine is a distant step parenting experience as the boys moved interstate with their mother when their parent’s relationship broke down. We see the boys at school holidays only and inbetween when we can afford the airfares. It has been a tough road for my wonderful husband who has often kept quiet regarding his own wishes and sometimes differing parenting beliefs to that of his ex in order to see them in a stable home space. He diligently calls them every week, but I know he has missed out on so much with them it is heartbreaking. I have always had a pretty good relationship with the boys over the years, barring a few hiccups, and have always tried to be their friend (never a parent/mother substitute) and show interest in their achievements and lives in general. Also, in the early days my “role” was encouraging my husband to maintain a good working relationship with his ex for the benefit of the boys. I can honestly say that in the time we have been together the boys have not heard a harsh or unkind word said of their mother from either me or their dad, and for that I am proud of us both. My role has been to support my wonderful husband in his relationship with his boys and to nurture that rather than do a lot of the nurturing directly myself. Sadly, it has never been possible or seemed the right thing to do to have majority or shared custody of one or all of the boys, though I have always been open to this. I just hope the time I have spent supporting their relationship with their father will mean they still have a close bond with him as they grow to adulthood. Certainly if he eldest is anything to go by, we have done an OK job. Why do I do it? Because my husband is the most wonderful man I have ever met, and even though I can honestly say I don’t feel a maternal love for the boys I do care about them deeply. Children deserve to be able to love and be loved by their parents equally after a split. They will also be the only siblings our little girl will ever have so it is very important to me for her to have a strong relationship with them.
I’m so pleased that I found Adele’s web site. Without it I would have probably walked away from my relationship. Reading all the blogs from other parents has made me see that I’m not alone and that there are many others out there going through the same sorts of issues and some who have had to deal with much worse. I’m still along way off being totaly at ease with my partners kids but things are improving especially now that they have accepted the routine we expect them to live by.
I am a step Mum of an 11 year old girl – I have no kids of my own.
I have been with my partner for 5 years now., and we have shared custody of his daughter ( 3 to 4 days a week)
I really struggled with the role – wanting time alone etc.
I realise that him and his daughter are a “package deal” – and it has to be all or nothing.
I am getting better at the role now
Really appreciate Adele’s emails and great blog. Useful and reassuring. Certainly lots rings true to me in other people’s experiences.
Wonder if any other stepmums out there feel they take more responsibility for the day to day sorting of their stepchildren’s arrangements than the actual father??!
My partner and I have been together 6 years, married for 2. I am a step mother and feel that although I have been on the scene a relatively short time much of the responsibility for devising stuff to do with the children (16 and 14) when they are with us lies with me. The children have been based living with their mother and visit alternate weekends and in holidays. I find it weird that my husband seems so unmotivated to plan/ think of things the children might enjoy/ might benefit from. He does not go thro his diary and mark holiday dates and he generally is on the back foot when holidays do come round despite apparant dissatisfaction about not seeing children enough. I realize my husband is quite old fashioned and thinks to a degree that child care is women’s (mother’s) business- missing out the fact that he is the natural parent and I am not. He certainly has lots of work on and calls on his time, as do I.
I know that youngsters need downtime and they are now old enough to do a fair bit on their own. I am not suggesting a strict regime of outings etc. My husband pays for the children, provides a stable base and they know I think that he is there for them. Is it unreasonable to expect abit more proactive, personal involvement? He is relatively a hands off parent. His parents were certainly not ‘child centred’. Mine by contrast did quite alot with me and my siblings which I look back at with appreciation.
A certain tension and guilt nags at me, but not my husband, about the children missing out and not being given certain good aspects of parenting and feeling that if I value those things it is my responsibility to organize them amidst the busyness of my work. I do not have my own children which is why perhaps it all feels unfamiliarly demanding.
I know one should give openly and willingly. The question ‘Do you love your stepchildren?’ brings to mind the point that love is not a feeling, love is an action. I do have feelings of ‘love’ sometimes too- always a joy when they do bubble up.
It is hard to approach my husband about parenting issues as he easily flies off the handle about this and feels I am lecturing him. In fact I am wanting a calm discussion about what we think parenting is about, how our own childhood experience effected our approach to it and how we can effectively and happily parent.
What are other stepparents experiences of the division of responsibility with their partners for the planning, organization and activities of their stepchildren’s visits ?
@Rachel: Rachel – we are living twin lives! I have been with my boyfriend for 2-1/2 yrs., he has 4 kids 8-16 yrs (3 oldest are girls – even more drama & stress as they go through adolescence!) and I do not have any children of my own.
His ex runs things on a one-way street. I am known for being a very fair person and I often play devil’s advocate when my b-friend says something about/opposite her, so I say this quite objectively. My boyfriend is also quite ‘laissez-faire’ and laid back – he’s just that type of guy. But I get frustrated that the kids don’t seem to respect me even though they like me (and it doesn’t help that their mother tells them how they should feel/act about me) and more often than not I feel like a live-in nannie! I do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and also help with homework and picking them up from school and/or events when their dad can’t (we live on a dairy farm).
The schedule is almost 50/50 so they are here during the week as well as every second weekend into Tuesday morning. The only thing that literally keeps me here when I get super frustrated is how much I care about him and how long I’d looked for someone so great! Unfortunately we’d only been dating three months when I lost my house & contents to fire and I had to move in, so it was a HUGE adjustment going from no kids and living alone for 10 yrs to the craziness of 4 kids and still essentially being in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of our relationship. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been together for YEARS it’s so much drama and exhaustion and issues….!
I feel more ‘motherly’ towards the two youngest, and the second oldest so reminds me of me when I was younger…the oldest is quite distant and ’skeptical’, but she is also very close to her mother so I don’t push her – when she wants to talk we do and when she doesn’t we don’t.
What motivates me to stay and try my best is that they ARE good & smart kids and I hope to pass on some of my advice or knowledge or life lessons. At this point I can only hope that one day they will realize all that I (and even their mother’s b-friend) have done for them and thank me for it!
@Katharine: Katherine, I am a stepmom of a 12 year old boy and I end up doing the planning for his visits with us too, … (if his mother doesn’t interfere with the visitation). We’ve been married for 4 years, and my husband basically leaves a lot of the planning up to me, even though I ask for his input. Since I am used to it now, I’ve accepted the fact that I will likely have to plan everything and just take the initiative of doing it. It makes it less stressful on me, and I don’t have to get either of us worked up over him not providing input. So it works out better for both of us.
@ Step-parenting -why do it? : If I had a choice to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. It has been an absolute nightmare dealing with my husband’s ex, and the parental alienation she is imposing upon my stepson is making him have horrible character. In my experience, it takes a very very strong individual to be am involved stepparent. I tell anyone who wonders whether they should date a person with kids not to do it unless you are sure (and you have witnessed personally) that the ex is a mature and reasonable person, and that your partner and the ex have a amicable and co-parenting relationship.
When dealing with difficult ex’s, it can make step-parenting unrewarding, and make you feel unloved by the stepchildren that you give so much love, time, and attention to. It is emotionally and financially draining.
The reason why I do it is because I LOVE my husband more than anything, and to be brutally honest, I feel I will always love my husband more than I ever will my stepson, so my stepson becomes a minor part of the equation of “why do it” because the love for my husband is so huge.
Why step parent? Its a very hard question to answer and each week I would be able to give a completly different answer.
I am bio parent to 2 boys; 15 and 17 and step parent to 3 others; boys 15 and 13 and a girl 14. My partner and I have been together for 7 years. The first 4 living apart from his children and the last 3 living in the next town trying to make a step family arrangement work.
It had taken me a very long time to realise that I don’t have to “love” his children and that he doesn’t have to “love” mine. Since realising this it has taken the pressure off the way I feel and the pressure off my expectations of the relationships between all adults and children. It would be nice to have the fairy tale that some people seem to achieve but I think that is in the minority of cases. In the beginning I tried too hard to be the “perfect” step parent. The only family model that I knew was the nucleur family and was definately not a nucleur family and trying to make it into one certainly didn’t work. So I had to step back and stop trying so hard. Maybe I have stepped back too far. Now I feel that we are two different families living under one roof and I feel I have gone back to being a solo parent while my partner and his ex get on with parenting their children.
After 7 years, I still don’t know what the answer is. There are definately times when we all come together and it seems to work and hope is definately there but there are also times when you do wonder if it is all worth the hard work.
I am grateful for all who have shared their story. I realize that as mothers living in a man’s world we still have so much to deal with that works against us even in the 21st century. How many men feel the fear of losing their kids? How many men are stuck in a situation because they cant afford to move out? I had not realized that this is as much a feminist issue as it is step parenting issue. But I have to agree with Melanie, there is no relationship that is worth sacrificing our children for. A mother shouldn’t have to choose between a happy relationship and losing her kids. Any man that makes you choose will probably not bring you happiness anyway. As for the discipline, I have tried to encourage a joint decision but with the bio parent communicating the result. I say try, because in the end my partner usually backs out and let’s his kids do as they please even after we have agreed on a decision. And it seems like men are always harder on boys and push-overs for girls. My first husband had a daughter from his first marriage and she had total control of our lives. I left after 2 years. Now my fiance has a daughter and son and I watch how unfair he treats our boys and allows his daughter to do as she pleases. It is becoming clear to me that this is not what I want in my life and certainly not what I want for my son.
Im married to my husband for almost a year now. he has 4 girls ages 6,9,12,12. and we have 2 kids a 3 month old and a 2.6 years old. its so overwhelming to deal with this i dont have privacy from his kids i dont feel respected nor appreciated, they all can get away with what they want they do the things that they stay up late, they dont have boundaries. i do most of the chores in the house. i cook and dos tuff but not appreciated. i dont know what to do should i continue this marriage? i dont even get help from my husband. please help me. should i continue the marriage but i dont want my kids to grow up with a broken family.
I can relate to how Jamie is feeling about whether to continue in the marriage. I have often felt the same. I have found Adele’s information very helpful and also some books on Positive Discipline. I found the courage to confront my husband and then held a family meeting with the kids too and presented the problem of housekeeping and also the lack of respect. After everyone “aired” their feelings ( it was a little sketchy at first) then we were able to come up with a chore list that rotates so all kids have a turn at all chores and not just stuck with the same thing. I printed the list with color-codes and detailed instructions. Now the kids have figured out on their own that if they each just “clean up after themselves” they each have very little to do later on. They now remind eachother to clean up know that they will have to do it later if its left undone now. I have also hired a weekly housekeeper to help me with the heavy cleaning and laundry. this allow me to get things done and still have some time/energy left over for myself. And the last thing is taking care of myself. I decided that I cant just care-give everyone else and put off caring for me. Now I am having dad and kids do the dishes while I go off and read or take a walk. it helps my stress level and the kids notice the difference since i have more energy and patience. Jamie, only you can know what you need, if you have a good man, give him chance to hear your needs in a non-threatening way. Then “allow” yourself to have your needs met and take care of yourself. The family meeting is the best thing that has happened to our family. No one ever really wants to do it but once we get through and end with a family game or cards or a puzzle, it seems that everyone is so happy, especially me! I hope you find what is right for you and would love to hear how you are doing.
I have been married to my wonderful husband for seven years and we have a beautiful six year old son. My husband also has two daughters from his previous marriage. They were 3 years old and 6 months old when we started dating. The oldest daughter has been a handful from the beginning but I could deal with it since we only saw them about once a month, because they lived so far from us. Now they are 10 and 13 and came to live with us about a year ago, and on a daily basis since then I have wanted to pull my hair out. I have never been very close with the girls, I am not a very emotional person and just don’t feel love for them like I do my husband and son. I feel so guilty about it all the time but I am not sure what to do about it. They are very demanding and disrespectful and I find it hard to have patience with them. Especially since I am not a very patient person. They cry about things all the time and everyone tells me it is just because they are girls, but it gets on my nerves. My wonderful life has turned upside down and I dont know how to deal with it. I love my husband dearly and never want our relationship to end but I find myself wanting to leave daily. I just dont know how to raise someones elses children, nor do I want to. I try so hard not to make a difference in the girls and my son, but no matter what I do it is never good enough for his oldest daughter. She is always starting fights and lying to my husband about something she says I have said or done. And always says I treat my son better than her. Which I do not. I often feel guilty because I feel like I dont do enough for my child anymore because there isnt enough of my attention to go around. I feel stuck and dont know what to do. If I leave it would crush my husband and my son would be lost without his dad. All I ever wanted was to have a nice life and family but I feel like it is all going down the drain. We have been in counseling since they moved in and it hasnt seemed to help. Any advice offered would be gladly taken, I am at the end of my rope and honestly dont want a divorce but I see it as the only way to get out of this most unrewarding, thankless situation I have found myself in.
@jamie: I am in the same situation…only worse…I have 6 step children–26,24,23,21,19,16–oldest and youngest are girls..3 of the 6 lived with us during our time married–I also have 2 boys of my own, 22(cerebral palsy) and 20.
We have been married 4 years tomorrow. The kids Mom is an absent mom unless she chooses to cause trouble. The older kids are respectful as I helped take care of my husbands dying daughter last year- we lost her in December. The youngest daughter is 16. She lies to her dad and tells him I say things I dont say… the problem is when my husband believes her over me– which is most times. I now carry a tape recorder tot tape every conversation. Havent used it yet to defend myself but have it. She isnt disiplined and is allowed to do as she chooses. My children are living on their own now..so I dont worry about the father thing cause my kids have their own.. I dont think their are answers– the questions that you have you need to speak to your husband about– as do I – but it is a difficult thing to discuss, because I know there wouldnt be a change and I would lose out… if you find a way please let me know thanks and good luck–
I am married to a wonderful man who has 2 kids to a previous partner. We have been together for 4 years and only this year got married. When I met him his daughter the eldest of the two was 3 and his son was only 1 still a baby still needing bottle feeds and such. You would think me coming into their lives at such young ages would allow a relationship between us to be built a lot quicker and stronger but unfortunately it hasn’t.
His son is a real mummy’s boy and while at times he shows me affection with hugs and drawing me pictures etc at other times he withdraws and rejects me for what I can only assume is fear of letting down his mum or not wanting to choose me over her.
His daughter and I get on well most times. She enjoys doing girly things with me and enjoys being treated like a big girl. At times I am unsure whether I should treat her this way as her mother encourages her to take on more responsibility than a 7 year old really should.
Most of our problems (which stem really from the relationship problems I have with the kids) come from dealings with his ex. She seems to think I am trying to take over the job of being their mother even though I and members of my family have explained that is not the case. She has another child who is younger than the kids to another man who she we assume is currently still with yet she can’t seem to stop the emotional blackmail she gives the kids. telling them she cries when they go to daddys. I understand she misses them but my husband misses them too (he sees them only 4 days out of 2 weeks) and making them feel bad for going to see him is not fair on them.
My husband and I have plans of extending our family. He is excited at the idea of being a full time dad as he had never been to his kids. We have them every fortnight for four nights and that only really started the last year and half or so (whole court thing to sort out custody as she refused to let him see them and would only let him see them when she felt like it and under her restrictions).
The kids were excited about the wedding and were happy on the day that we got married. They talk about us having babies and such so I guess in some way I feel approved of. On the other hand sometimes it just feels like they hate me. I’m not sure why and I am tired of being rejected by his son when he has a swing in his mood (usually after he has been so nice or so nasty he does a complete turn around to the other). I have had very hurtful things said to me before and while I know they are kids it is hard to just dust myself off and pretend it didn’t sting and continue doing things for them that I then feel aren’t appreciated.
I love my partner. He is my husband and friend in all other aspects of life.When it comes to his kids I feel I can’t talk to him at times. I know it’s because he loves them and can’t handle the idea that maybe sometimes they aren’t all that respectful or nice to me. regardless of what they say to me I continue to play a mother role while trying not to be their mother for fear that they will hate me more (for trying to be their mother and taking her place). It’s not easy and sometimes I doubt it ever will be.
I’m 22 years old, my husband 4 years my senior and I hate that sometimes when i try to talk to him about my feelings it feels as though he picks them over me because he gets deffensive in hearing anything about how I feel about what they do or say. He gives me the its not their fault speech, its their mother. but seriously how long can he blame her for the kids behaviour. at some point they become accountable right?
I do the step parenting thing 100% for my husband. While we would love one day for things to be great with the kids and for them to decide to come and live with us. I am also ok with that not happening just so I can have a normal family experience with my husband and the kids we plan to have every other fortnight/ week.
As many have wrote in the blogs about your experience let me share something. As a child my parents divorced, as a adult my first marriage ended up in divorce. As it turns out just like many of you I to wanted out of my second / blended family. My spouse had two daughters as I did, we all lived in one house trying to make it work. In our marriage we went thru so many ugly moments that unfortunately some where seen by the kids (nothing psychical or abusive) mainly verbal. I will say six year have passed, and I can say that we are a much better family now then what I thought we would be. Yes we still have bumps in the road and issue do come up, but knowing that we hung in to the vows we made at the alter (and to God) we are a better couple/family for it. Adele Cornish book is a welcome resource to us, we do believe that it is one of the best books to use as a resource for one of the hardest things in life to overcome, but the rewards are well worth it. Be willing to listen and love each side because we all have hurts within us that need to be healed.