Fathers: Losing your children
Adele Cornish, BSW
This blog is specifically for fathers in a blended family whose children have chosen to live apart from them.
See if you identify with this comment:
I lost both of my kids. They will not talk to me etc. Granted, they are older (20 and 25) but it still hurts.
Blended families all have one thing in common: children from a previous relationship.
In the case of divorce, it’s typical for mother’s to receive custody of their children however joint custody arrangements and fathers gaining custody is now more common. ‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with. But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose? If you are a biological father in a blended family who has experienced this, how did you react? How did it affect your relationship with your partner? What did you do to maintain your relationship with your children?
Men, here’s your chance to offer some encouragement to other men struggling with this issue. Please share your response below.
Warm regards
Adele Cornish
p.s. In your response please don’t focus on what your children or ex have done. Be specific about what YOU have done to get through this.
p.p.s You can remain anonymous if you wish
p.p.p.s Stepmothers: keep your eye out for my upcoming blog where you can share how this issue has impacted your blended family.
I know that you do not want mothers to comment but my husband disowned his children on separation. Was extremely traumatic for my children then 14 & 12 years old. I did my best to encouage them to establish a relationship with him but it has not eventuated. Just because their is no contact does not mean that everyday they struggle with something and to have his input of someone else to bounce it off would be great. Pride is in the way…. so sad… Dad’s all you can do is let them know you are there for them when they are ready.
For The Dads Whose Children (At Any Age) Did Not Pick Them,
When I became divored many years ago my son’s mother and I shared joint custody. It went very well for all of us. By that I mean the times that I was to have my son went very well and he was picked up by his mom on time. Our scheduling and Holidays went well too. I was able to remarry and my son got along with his step mom wonderfuly. I recieved compliments from frinds and family members about what a great job I was doing raising my son. That was until….
My son turned 15. The solid good natured boy turned into the rebellious teen. Then he declared that he could not be bothered with a father that was too strict and backward having curfews and being extpected to get at least a passing average at school. He was not allowed to use fowel words in the home or use emotionaly charged disrespectful language. So he spent two solid years living the rebel life at his mom’s. At first people belived him that I was this rotten dad based on all of his putting me down. My own parents turned against me and said I was to blame. That was like a punch emotionally to my head and gut. I sought profesional counseling to deal with the rejection from my son and family. It worked! Basically I was taught not to grovel or beg to have my son or family like me or try to “prove” to them I was a good dad. With the support of my therapist and loving wife who knows me better than anyone, I dusted myself off and focused on my life.
When my son turned 17 we started seeing each other again. He has since admitted to me that he said his lies and embellishments so he could get away with his rebellion living somewhere else. He is now young man and is making progess in life. It was a two year challenge. The toughest thing I have ever went through! It was worse than divorce. I did not push to have him back in my life, slowly but surely he came back. Just like the story of the prodigal son. We are happy and living a life as a family seeing each other again. Be encouraged Fathers your best Family times are on their way!
Andy
Dads, PLEASE don’t give up! If you are being pushed away by the ex or your kids, let your children know that you are not going anywhere. No matter how hard the ex or your kids are on you, you are the adult. Your kids need to know that they are loved by you. You will always remain one of the most important people in your childrens lives.
Wonderful to hear Andy! Thank you for sharing from your experience and for providing hope for those who are finding it tough.
My two kids live with thier mother. They are 19 and 21 years old. My son does not attempt to contact me and my daughter will on rare occaisions call me. I make an effort to call them just to say hi and see how they are doing. I sometimes see my daughter and both kids on birthdays and christmas. They have busy lives and we still have an good relationship. I hope once they get older, get an education and job, there will be more time for contact. Time will tell.
It can happen to moms too and it feels like someone carved your heart out when your kids reject you following divorce. I appreciate all the comments that they will come back but when they are out there in the world and refuse to communicate it seems like an eternity and the silence can be deafening. I just want them to know that I love them and will always love them.
Hi Dads my husband has 3 kids 18,15 & 11 whom he doesn’t see.The older 2 have drifted away from him and the 18 year old has gone so far as to disown him. He is very upset and misses them terribly, making effort to contact them and I try to be supportive telling him just to wait till they ready as long as they know he loves them. The 11 year old is okay and wants to live with us as he doesn’t want to live with his mom.
Hang in there guys.
i have a boyfriend whos 14 yr old daughter doesnt want nothing to do with him unless its on her terms, her mother doesnt encourage her to spend time with her dad at all. its like tit for tat, it is killing him but his daughter wants to be put on a pedastal when she does come over and ther are 4 other kids to think about what does one do?
The hardest thing for me was to get over the feelings of being hard on myself. My son contacts me now and then, and I know he loves me. Because of that, I beieve I can relax and get on with my own life. I have to! ….. sure I blamed my new wife, myself, and my son. it never got me anywhere, and all I developed was unjust resentment for the people who love me. I know it hurts…….you don’t have to tell me it hurts. I don’t think anyone hurt more than me ( which I’m sure you would disagree! ) Dads, DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALY! …… This is the message I have for you. Please find a way to be good to yourself and you will be o.k. Seek a good counselor. Or talk to Adele. She is an amazing spirit who is with you.
When my wife and I split in ‘98, we had shared parenting of our children, then aged 5 & 3. Since then, the shared parenting has worked well, until the beginning of last year when my wife moved interstate and remarried. My daughter, now 17, lives with her mum and my son (14) lives with me.
My son and I get on well, but my daughter has a very strained relationship with my new wife where they don’t talk, so she can’t stay with us and I see her only a couple of times per year. This is very difficult on both of us, particularly when we would be together half the time. This also gives me doubts about whether my new relationship is worth it, when my daughter is unable to come and stay with me whenever she wants. I call my daughter and we talk at least once a week, and I try to stay a part of her life, but all she really wants is for me to split from my new wife.
This causes problems between my new wife and I, as I (unconsciously) blame her for alienating my daughter, and I find it difficult to talk to her about my daughter and how I feel. It seems that I have 2 camps; one with my son and new wife, and another with my daughter. Whilst I try to communicate with my wife, it is a juggling act.
I have sought counselling, but some counsellors just agree with you and seem to say what they think you want to hear, especially when I need advice and an impartial opinion.
Parenting is one of the best things in life, but it really sucks some times.
[…] I asked men how this affected their relationship with their partner and children. A HUGE thank you to those who responded. You can check out the responses by clicking here […]
I was divorced 9 years ago and I have a son who was 12 at the time. His father told me he was leaving in front of my son and I wish I hadn’t fell apart but I did. The effect on my son was huge. His Dad said he would see him all the time but with women, partying and work he had little time for our son which has made a lasting negative impact on his life. I am now a stepmom also. My new husband has custody and always has of his son which was 5 when we got together. We have always had a great realationship but his biological Mom works hard to undermine it. He is almost 12 and I know he loves me but she makes him feel guilty for our realationship and she has always treated me like the other woman. I met my husband after we were both divorced and she left him and his kids for another man. I don’t get why she has never given me just normal human respect. I have always been good to her son. I provide insurance through my work we do a lot with him, he does well in school and like being home? Any advice on how to deal with her in a adult manner when she acts like a teenager would be appreciated. I have tried to like her but after 3 years with no improvement I have gotten to really dislike her behavior towards my husband, me and her son.
Hi Adele. Reading the comments from other ‘fathers losing their children’ brought tears to my eyes. I know very well the gut wrenching pain of having to let a child go and live with my ex. And even though this happened a couple of years ago, and I’ve worked it through really well, this blog has made me realize that the pain is still there – I’ve just learned ways to live with it!
I separated from my ex 10 years ago and I have 4 wonderful kids from that marriage. I remarried 7 years ago and my new wife brought her 3 kids into our blended family. Up till a couple of years ago my ex and I shared the parenting of all my biological kids fortnight about – and we still do so with the younger kids.
Living in a blended family has had lots of challenges and heaps of good times – and I love my wife dearly and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her. Yet I also feel that it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. [I’ll write about that some other time!]
But the other hardest thing of all [I’ve discovered that we can have more than one hardest thing!] was 2 years ago when my 16 year old daughter, who was always ‘daddy’s girl’, chose to go and live solely with my ex.
It was so hard because my ex is hugely manipulative and she had been engineering this outcome for years by constantly running me down in the eyes of my kids [even though I have always refused to do this to her]. And my ex has very few rules in her house – which is so appealing to young people – while we have kept up a healthy set of rules. I think the only way my 16 year old thought she could leave was by getting really angry at my new wife – and then me. Which was so painful.
But, what is so much worse, is that my 16 year old daughter has cut me out of her world completely and sided with my ex in everything [which has been encouraged by my ex]. I have kept up regular attempts at contacting her – telling her how much I love her – but she has seemed to gain strength from totally rejecting me.
My other biological kids are still very close to me – which is great – and I have a good relationship with my stepkids [most of the time!], which is also great. But the loss of that one daughter, no matter how hard I try to put it out of my mind and enjoy the life we have, is like a gapping wound that I can never cover up for long!
I still believe [and hope and pray!] that one day the daughter I lost will let me back into her life again. The reality is that I can’t do anything about it – other than making sure that from time to time I let her know how much I love and care for her. But the pain of living with this kind of rejection is constant.
Yet for the sake of my wife and new family, who are so important and who need me to fully engage with them, I need to keep pressing on – and I do – and I will! And I encourage others to do that too – because life is too precious to waste by constantly looking back.
Thanks for sharing David. I’m sure all who read your comment will be encouraged by your words. Wishing you every success.
My husband’s 15 year old daughter has told him it is either me or her and she won’t have a relationship with him if he stays married to me. His ex continues to let his children believe that if it wasn’t for me they could be a family again.
@Lisa:I would go to counseling with or with out your husband and get help there first. If that does not work I hate to say it but your hubby is going to be put in a hard place choosing his destiny.
when my partner split with his x they had joint custody. 3 years ago. He wanted full custody but it justnt wasnt possible as the youngest 8 couldnt be away from his mum. She left him for younger man and had another baby, which the kids tolerate but dont want.
Due to work, our time with the boys is limited to a few hours in week and every other weekend and my partner has always told the boys that they are free to come and go as they please, and has never insisted they come to us if they dont want to. This was against everyones advice, as they felt structure and set days were better – including myself.
Though my partner felt he wanted the boys to start making their own decisions it was crippling for him when he didnt see them for a week or more. Each time they said ‘not tonight dad we stay here’ i could see the pain and i got really frustrated that he let this happen. I argued ‘give them definant days’. He said ‘give them freedom of choice’.
Now 3 years on – the boys want to spend more time with us but feel guilty about telling their mum. The new baby means they dont get time with their mum and she too busy running after the toy boy and baby for anything else. The eldest said – ‘grandads proud of mum – i dont know why after what shes done’ and the youngest says ‘i cant wait till im older and i can tell(the boyfriend)how he’s ruined my life’. When we tell the boys to tell their mum that they want more time with us they just say ‘we cant it break her heart’.
The boys have both said they want to live with us and ‘get out of there’ but they know for now, as we work long hours, they cant.
My partner clings to the fact that they will come back and he cant wait and that in his heart he did the right thing – freedom of choice – even though he cried so many times for the boys he couldnt see every day.
Like everyone, seeing your partner so hurt and cut up and there is nothing you can do, makes you feel worthless and obviously we have argued and fought over it.
The other destructive part of all of this is when too parents have totally different views and ways to bring the children up. When you dont agree that they had so much spent on them and things bought them for no reason – when they want for nothing anyway.
Not knowing the other half of the child’s life is horrible. Not knowing what influences are being imposed on that child whilst your not there. Frightened to be too strict incase the child says ‘why should i come to you when you restrict my activities etc’. Unlike children whom are in ‘normal’ families there is no where to hide and can be discilplined without that threat of ‘im not coming again’.
I dont have children, but even i feel the pressure & anger that my partner feels, that horrible feeling that the man who took your kids away – doesnt have interest to teach and educate them, yet you cant have them full time. Its the frustration that you did nothing wrong, yet everyones life is affected by one persons decision for ever. Frustration can be a very negative and destructive emotion.
The kids have said they want to be with us, i just wonder how she will feel when and if it happens. When she left she controlled everything, twisted the knife at every opportunity. Gave her power and strength – how will she feel when the boys finally admit to her how they really feel about her baby and boyfriend and finally say ‘ mum we want to live with dad’
I have two boys 11 and 12 after being married for 19 years I divorced their mother for bibical reasons. I have found a lady I love dearly but she is very jealous of my relationship with my boys to the point they don’t want to come around for her rules that she has put down. These rules are good ones but when their at their moms where their are no rules then it’s hard to make them ajust to things they think are mean
I’ve noticed that there is only 7 responses out of these 24, actually from men.
I agree, it is hard, emotional, frustrating, and exhausting. I know, because I’m also living it.
What we need to remember is that our children are not our possessions, they are their own, all we can do is hope that they’ve received our guidence (no matter how little in some cases), and will make the right decisions for themselves. Let them know, that if they fall, we’ll always be here to pick them up, if needed.
We should have the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
The courage to change the things we can,
The wisdom to know when to attempt either.
Matt
Great observation and comments Matt. Thanks for sharing.
Hello there,
It so good to know that there are a lot of generous people who share their own experiences for others to learn and know that they are not the only one is this world struggling.
I believe in second chances that is why most of us strive to work on our relationships. But it really become difficult when its just going one way and the other one just kinda turn off everything just because he takes all the blame for everything that is happening to his biological children.
How do you deal with a partner who is being eaten up by guilt? Its really hard and its tearing us apart.
I found this thread while searching for help in dealing with ex-husband who is undermining my relationship with my 13yr old daughter. Many of our marital fights were due to his refusal to acknowledge our 11 yr old daughter. During the divorce he told mutual friends that when the oldest reaches 13 (now) he plans on convincing her to go to judge to say she wants to live with him. I’ve asked him why he favors the oldest and his response is I guess because she came first. It is so bad that I cannot discipline her effectively and her and her sister have very little bond. Added to the mess is his sudden conversion to Mormon religion and he now is on gf #2, who he involves as though she’s the stepmom. I love both daughters equally and want to have peace in my home but it breaks my heart to see my youngest shunned by her own father. Any ideas?
I have been looking around for a slightly different situation though the reactions/relationship issues seem fairly similar.
I am a father of 3 fantastic boys ages 7, 2, and 1. My oldest is from a previous relationship (Ended about 4 years ago). After my Ex and I split, we decided that our son would live with me as she had no stable place to raise him; and he has since that time. We both loved our son fiercly and agreed that he was more important than the problems between us and worked out an arrangement where we both got to spend time with our son essentially everyday.
After our separation I met a wondeful lady (as well as a string of not-so-wonderful), who was to become my current wife. We dated and got along well and she really got along well and helped me a lot with my son. We now have 2 more fantastic little boys together. At the end of last year, and into this year, it comes out that my wife is not happy with this situation (She rightly feels neglected, unapreciated, etc), and has feeling of resentment towards my oldest son. We, of course, went to all sorts of councillors etc to try and figure out the problems.
Essentially, I had to choose to give up my son or my new family. I made a terrible hash of it…
I became very angry with my wife for forcing me to choose between my first-born biological son, and her (and by extension my other children). I felt that my oldest son “has always been with me and always will” and if she couldn’t live with that then she could leave… I told her to, I even tried to forcefully remove her from our home…
We separated… as I said, I made a terrible hash of events through emotional response…
[insert more councilling etc]
We are currently trying to reconcile our marriage and rebuild our family.
My wife’s feelings are valid and honest!
This is where I have to make the hard choice. It is healthier for my oldest son to live with his mom now (she has since remarried and has a stable life). This has to be the focus, what is best for the child! Though it tears my heart out that I do not get to see my son everyday anymore, to watch him grow and guide him through some of lifes adventures; I have to be bigger and realize what is best for him. I will always love my son, and I let him know every chance I get and take every opportunity to spend time with him, and get him to spend time with his brothers.
It is still very straining on our relationship (mine and wifes), but if we can get to a point beyond our resentment and anger; then we can heal and have a stronger relationship in the end. We both love each other dearly and are doing our best to listen to and respect each other (even if we don’t always agree).
I manage by calling my son every night before bed, just to chat about his day, say good-night and let him know I will always love him. I also (hopefully) will get to be with him on holidays and for vacations.
This is an on-going struggle, one day at a time. Some days are good, other not so.
In the end, I have to choose a bit of sadness and anger on myself to realize healthier living for all my boys and family, one day acceptance will come and the anger and sadness will be less. In knowing that I made the hard choice for me, so that my children and wife do not need to live with anger/resentment/hatred I show that I will sacrifice anything for my childrens health and well-being.
It’s not easy, good luck to all 🙂
My fiancee and I have gone through a nearly two-year old ordeal with my two daughters, ages 15 and 14: they have been disrespectful to both of us, and have turned our home into a drama-filled mine field. It hurts me, because I thought that my youngest would be more prone to developing a relationship with my fiancee, but she has slowly turned into a selfish, self-absorbed negative anti-social problem child, complete with bringing me under fire with CPS because she didn’t want to be disciplined. We have tried everything: therapy, relatives, starting over and over, but nothing helps. She will be going to live with her birth mother this summer, a woman that hasn’t attempted to do anything for her for the last 14 years, and I’ve told her that she’s probably not going to change anytime soon, but my hard-headed little girl just doesn’t believe that. It truly hurts to be rejected by your children,especially when you’ve done all that you can to raise them and love them, they would rather have things than love, or in my case, never appreciate the love that you give them because they are suffering from past hurts that they just won’t let go of. I know that I’m going to be the “bad guy” on this one, and I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I love my daughters, my oldest is now back with her mom after living with me for nearly three years, and now I’m about to lose my youngest, and she’s been with me all her life. This is going to be hard, but I do believe it is necessary, she needs to learn the truth about her “mother”, and we need time to heal. But any suggestions from anyone would be helpful, and I would be more than happy to help anyone with ideas and suggestions.
My daughter is 8 lives with me and my partner 2 nights during the week and every second weekend, my partners daughter almost 10 comes to stay every second weekend also. My partner has issues with my daughter(8) due to her sulkyness, he also diesnt understand why she isnt like his daughter and just listens when she is told to do something. I on the other hand know my daughter is sulky and not perfect as he thinks his child is, he only has to look at her to get her to do as she is told. I have found over this past weekend that his daughter baits mine to make herself look good in the way of nudging her till she sqwarks as to make her father get upset with my girl. He hasnt noticed her do it yet i have and 2 friends also seen a few instances. She has also told a few lies to friends about her mother not feeding her when she goes home, know we know this is not true and her mother would be most upset with this comment, if anything all her mother needs to do is spend a bit more time with her as she does spend alot of time in after school care, we do live in a different town so i cant help in any way there. I have talked to my partner as to why my daughter is not “perfect” like his, i told him she has not been raised the same and i dont rule with an iron fist as he does. He is slowly learning this, he is not violent but its how he talks to them that has been an issue, he talks to them like they are adults and doesnt realise that how huge some of the issues are for children, superficial to us but huge to them. I dont know how to bring up stuff to do with his daughter as i dont want to look like i am picking on her, i am not i just dont know how to make him see that alot of what my daughter is getting into trouble for was started by his and this is why my daughter in so sulky and resentfull toward him. Little help PLEASE!!!
I’m the father of 4 children my three youngest (17,16,16 all boys ) and my girlfriend and her son (8) which has lived with us for about a year all still live at home with me but I have a 19yr old daughter that has turned into holly terror for me and my girlfriend she has cause drama after drama she lives with her mother and doesn’t come around after she got angry with me after going off to college now she is back and goes around town talking about me and my girlfriend which she has only meet a hand full of times so recently I had told her after I was out of work for 2.5 months that she needed to get insurance on her car (which is in my name ) because I was in a bad spot with money and couldn’t affo two teenagers on my policy so she said she would so about two weeks has past and I hadn’t heard from her then one night I had a missed call at 2am so I called her back to check on her and I could instantly tell she had been drinking so I spoke to her for a sec to make sure she was ok so then I asked her about the ins and if she was drinking and driving and she told me she wasn’t in her car and that she wasnt getting ins till after she got all her Christmas shopping done and then she started screaming at me so I hing up on her so then she starts texting me telling me she would just give the car back to me and I can take the payments up on it and then started telling me how sorry of a dad I am !! And she is constantly making snide remarks to get to me when I do hear from her !! I don’t know what to do I’m happier than Iv ever been with my girlfriend she loves me back like I’ve never had but yet my daughter tries to destroy it and doesn’t even live with us and my 3 boys don’t have any problems with my girlfriend and they live with us !! I think it’s mostly just jabs at me because she is angry with me !!