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Adele Cornish, BSW

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A child’s experience of blending…

As a child, did you live in a blended family?

I want to help parents in a blended family become better equipped to understand and support their children through the blending process. 

If you lived in a blended family at any point during your childhood or teenage years, I’d be extremely grateful if you could take a moment to answer the questions below. 

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

Please think back to what it was like when you were growing up:

1. As a child, what seemed to work well in your blended family?
2. What did you find difficult?
3. What did your biological parent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?
4. What did your stepparent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?

Feelings of resentment

I recently received an email from a stepmother who is wondering if other people have experienced similar feelings she has been having regarding her stepdaughter.  She wants your help.  Here’s what she says:

“I love my step daughter and have always worked very hard to have a good relationship with her.  This year I had my first child and we were all very excited but ever since my daughter has been born I find myself resenting my step child.  I am surprised and confused by these feelings. I love her and I feel so ashamed I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. When my husband talks about how our child is just like her sister I find myself feeling angry that our child is not recognised in her own right. When I hear “Oh you’re just like your sister or your sister was exactly the same or you look just like your sister” I feel irritated. I never imagined that I would have these feelings. I am hoping this will pass and I just wondered if anyone else has had this happen to them or what they did to overcome it. I want my family to be a loving good place for both of our children to grow up in. Any advice would be welcome.”

To offer some help and encouragement, please reply below.  You can remain annonymous if you prefer.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Thanks for taking the time to offer your support during what can be a lonely experience.

p.p.s. For access to the Blending Lives Program please click here

Blending after the death of a parent

Blended families evolve after the death of a parent or a parent’s divorce/separation.  Here I’d like to focus on those who have repartnered with children after the death of a spouse/partner.  The following tips are for those with children/stepchildren whose parent has died.

• Talk openly about the death; it helps children understand that grief is natural
• Accept and respect their feelings and allow them to express emotion
• Encourage them to ask questions; do not worry about having all the answers but focus on letting them know that you care.  Questions help children understand and adjust.

This blog is for those with children whose parent has died  and is based on the following question:

What is the issue you’ve most struggled with and what have you found that’s helped?

To share with others in a similar position please respond below 

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW

Blended Family Advisor

Experiences of a stepmother

‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with. But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose.

I recently started a blog for fathers whose children had made the decision not to live with them.

I asked men how this affected their relationship with their partner and children. A HUGE thank you to those who responded. You can check out the responses by clicking here

The issue of blame arose so I will touch on this briefly.

It is normal to grieve the loss or diminished contact with your children if they choose to live with their other parent. Part of the grieving process includes anger and stemming from this, blame. Although deep down people can blame themselves, it can also be tempting to blame stepmothers; according to research, children more readily accept a stepfather figure as opposed to a stepmother. The thing about blame is that it serves no useful purpose and builds further resentments so one needs to move beyond this natural part of the grieving process.

I promised stepmothers the opportunity to share how this issue has impacted your blended family. Please write how you worked through this experience as a couple to maintain a strong relationship.

Warm regards
Adele Cornish

Fathers: Losing your children

This blog is specifically for fathers in a blended family whose children have chosen to live apart from them.

See if you identify with this comment:

I lost both of my kids. They will not talk to me etc. Granted, they are older (20 and 25) but it still hurts.

Blended families all have one thing in common: children from a previous relationship. 

In the case of divorce, it’s typical for mother’s to receive custody of their children however joint custody arrangements and fathers gaining custody is now more common.   ‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with.  But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose?  If you are a biological father in a blended family who has experienced this, how did you react? How did it affect your relationship with your partner?  What did you do to maintain your relationship with your children?

Men, here’s your chance to offer some encouragement to other men struggling with this issue.  Please share your response below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. In your response please don’t focus on what your children or ex have done.  Be specific about what YOU have done to get through this.

p.p.s You can remain anonymous if you wish

p.p.p.s Stepmothers:  keep your eye out for my upcoming blog where you can share how this issue has impacted your blended family.

Expartners: Parental Alienation and its effect

Below are the responses from a couple who have experienced the devastating effects of parental alienation

Here what one stepmother had to say:

“The mother of my stepson has been intentionally poisoning him against his father since he was about 5 years old. The poisoning escalates every time a new event happens in my husband’s life (i.e. when we got married, then again when we had our first child, then again when we had our second child, etc.). Now, my stepson is so wrapped up in her lies and brainwashing that he has aligned himself with his mother and is contributing to the denigration of his father with no guilt! Although is has been 9+ years since my husband and my stepson’s mother broke up, she actively expresses that she is still upset about them not being together and tells my stepson that his dad left her and that everything bad in her life is his father’s fault. She actively pushes my stepson to lie, and my stepson makes up bad experiences at our house just to make his mom feel good. The false allegations are getting so out of hand, that we are thinking about giving up our joint timesharing so my stepson does not have to be a pawn in his mother’s war against his father. Since we have two other sons together, we cannot jeopardize them and our well being. It makes me very upset, sick to my stomach, and angry that a parent is willing to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent out of spite. It also makes me very sad because my husband is a wonderful father, and he and his oldest son will not have the benefit of having a loving relationship with each other as long as his mother continues the alienation.”

The following response is from her husband:

“Parental alienation is one of the most heartbreaking acts to witness or to be a victim of.  To see your child’s innocence and consciousness stripped away or muddled makes you feel helpless.  It is often hard to fulfill the responsibility of parenting your child while at the same time battling the effects of parental alienation.  To me, it is without doubt that being the targeted parent of parental alienation is one of the most horrific experiences possible.”

Have you experienced parental alienation?  How have you coped with it?  We look forward to your response.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Are children tearing you apart?

Last tip I made the point that a couple need to be 100% committed to making their relationship succeed, particularly if they feel their children are deliberately attempting cause friction within the couple relationship.

Here’s one reply I received to my tip:
“I totally agree that both adults need to be committed to the success of the relationship to have a chance of it working. As soon as one person tunes out it reduces the success rate. There are always going to be times you are more “plugged in” than others. However you need to recognize that and do something about it! As far as children sabotaging the relationship, I don’t believe they ALL set out to sabotage. I am lucky that my beautiful stepchildren have accepted me from the beginning and comment how much happier they see my husband and I compared to their memories of their parents together.

Do our children still wish that their parents would get back together again after 8 years+ apart? Our 2 youngest do (13 and 12 years old), even though they can both say that they know it is never going to happen. My stepson said that he wants that so he does not have to go from one house to the next. It would make his life a lot easier, and I understand that completely. Children are very perceptive as well as very vulnerable, and we need to help them work through their grief and provide positive role models. They need to know the other parent is still a very important part of their lives and that they don’t have to choose.”

What’s your experience of this?  Do you agree?  I look forward to your response.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Stepparenting: Why do it?

Stepparenting is hard work and can at times feel rather unrewarding.  If you are a stepparent, what motivates you to try your best at this challenging task?  Is it…

*for the sake and benefit of your couple relationship? 
*to use the opportunity to feed positively into your stepchild’s life? 
*to develop within you the type of personal traits such as patience, perseverance and grace that only grow through times of trial?

What are your thoughts on this?

Warm regards

Parenting without guilt

I recently asked those on my email list whether the following statement reflects their experience:

“My duty as a biological parent to train and discipline my children is done without guilt.”

Here’s what I went on to say:
***
“It is very common for those who have been through a divorce or separation to feel guilt about the pain their children have suffered as consequence. The thing about guilt is that it makes you focus on the past; you can get so busy trying to make up for your mistakes that you miss out on opportunities to create a better future. Now, if you want to raise your children into independent and responsible adults, you’ll have to be proactive. Feelings of ‘guilt’ make it easy to overlook behaviour you would not normally tolerate in a child, for fear of causing them more upset. If you have this tendency when your child misbehaves, ask yourself:

Is this particular behaviour something I want to encourage or discourage? By doing nothing, you inadvertently encourage it. If you want to discourage it, you’ll need to be proactive with a consequence.

Learn from the past but don’t let guilt motivate your future parenting decisions.

It is a day-by-day choice to let go of the past that will gradually lead to wholeness for yourself and your blended family.”
***
Shortly after I sent the email, I received a reply from a bio mother in a blended family. Here’s what she said:

“So true!! But not only guilt makes us overlook unacceptable behaviour, I think the fear of losing our child or driving them to the other bio parent makes us accept or overlook stuff that we normally would not tolerate, because we want to keep them with us. It is still not good practice to do this, as you are right in stating that all it is doing is encouraging that sort of behaviour. But… I suspect that we have all done it. I guess we just have to recognise when we have done it and try to change how we do things. Thanks so much your tips and emails. It helps to reinforce that we are trying to be good parents.”

Her response got me wondering what others have to say on this topic so here’s your chance.  Do you agree? Does guilt affect your parenting?  If you don’t discipline for fear of losing your children, what effect has this had (if any) on your relationship and on your children?  Have your say now…..

I look forward to your feedback!

Warm regards

 
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. To maintain the integrity of this website I reserve the right to edit comments on any of the blogs that are deemed too long or offensive.

p.p.s. You can enter your name as ‘anonymous’ if you prefer.  To protect your privacy your contact details are never shared.

Discipline: Speaking from experience…

Here’s some advice I received from a women regarding her experience of how discipline works in her blended family:

“A counselor told me my children are mine to discipline and to raise. If there should be any issues, my spouse should bring them to me and we should discuss them and come to a resolve before we change anything or discuss issues with my kids. At times, I was so frustrated because I felt like I was alone in raising my kids but in end this style was right on. My spouse did not discipline my children, I did. He did not make changes and demands on my children, I did. This way he was never the “bad step-parent”. I know at times this is hard for my new current spouse but it truly has helped in the transition of becoming a blended family. My step-children do not know my frustration, changes in the home or how I feel over certain situations. This enables us to have a better relationship.”

What are your thoughts on this approach? Have you tried it? Do you agree with it? I look forward to your response.

Warm regards

Blended Family Advisor

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