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Adele Cornish, BSW

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Respect: Is it crucial to success…

Men need respect, women need love. If respect is so important, it’s important we know what it means and how to show it. How do you define respect? Can you still respect your partner even if you disagree with some of their decisions or behaviour?

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Faults and all

“You can’t fight for a place in someone’s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place they’ll put you where they want to even if it’s not where you should be.”

It might be that you want your partner to make your needs a priority but they aren’t. When you met you may have really admired their commitment to being a great parent and now their children take precedence over you, this same commitment is the thing that most frustrates you. It might be work or other interests that take priority, regardless of the reason, many people who marry do so expecting that they can change their partner.  This is seldom possible so the choice is then over to you; will you choose to continue to love them despite their faults?

Your love for each other needs to move beyond a ‘feeling’ if your relationship is to succeed.  There will be times during your relationship that love must become an action; a choice to stay committed to each other, look for the best in each other, letting go of resentments and choosing to forgive.  So while you can’t change your partner, you can change your expectations and attitude in order to succeed.

What’s your experience?

I love to hear from those of you who have worked through the issue of having to accept your partner’s imperfections to offer some hope and encouragement to others who are struggling.

Please respond below.  You can remain anonymous if you wish.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Forgiveness: What’s the cost

Thank you for sharing your response on whether you believe forgiveness is a necessary part of every relationship.  Remember you can remain anonymous if you prefer.

 Questions to consider:

•  How important is forgiveness to you? 
• Can a relationship survive if one person chooses to hold unforgiveness against the other?
• Can you forgive a person even when they don’t apologize?
• Have you ever needed to ask for forgiveness?  What’s it like when you’ve received forgiveness or it’s been withheld?
• What’s the cost to you personally if you choose to forgive or not?
• What do you hope your couple relationship teaches the children in your family?

Your response to one or two of theses questions would be greatly appreciated!

Warmest regards

Adele

p.s. You can read more on forgiveness by clicking here

How to get along with your stepchildren

After receiving some emails lately from stepparents who are really struggling with not liking their stepchildren I’ve started a blog on the topic of ‘How to get along with your stepchildren’.

Stepparents going through this difficult stage need encouragement from those who have lived through it and reaped the rewards. 

The thing is, it’s easy to focus on a problem and allow it to become all consuming at the expense of your couple relationship.  In other words you find the kids so difficult that at this point you just want to escape it all.  You’re prepared to quit and sacrifice the long-term wellbeing of your couple relationship because of the children.

There’s a saying that goes ‘You will never possess what you’re unwilling to pursue.’ 

If you want to enjoy great relationships you have to push on through the tough stages and pursue them.  Some of you have done this so here’s your chance to share how you got through the issue of not wanting or liking your stepchildren.

Please let these stepparents see that it is possible!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW

Blended Family Advisor

p.s. Remember you can keep your response anonymous if you wish.

p.p.s. If you would like professional guidance  and support on how to get through this difficult issue, please click here

Commitment

How faithful or committed are you to your relationship?

The thing is, every relationship goes through both good and tough times. Tough times or conflict does not mean you need to throw in the towel but have a plan for working through them. If you don’t, you’ll risk continuing in a succession of failed relationships.

A number of years ago (before I had a blog) I asked for your feedback on a question which relates to this. Now an update is needed and this time you can post your answer for others to read. Here’s the question:

If you don’t “feel” love for your partner, should you stay in the relationship?

Should you let your “feelings” influence your long-term commitment?  Please share your thoughts below!

Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

p.p.s. If you’re feeling hopeless about your relationship, don’t let everything you’ve worked towards be lost by throwing in the towel. Give your relationship every opporunity to succeed.  Chances are some things will need to change to get it back on track.  I’d love to help you so if you want to find out more please click here

Gentleness: Does it work?

Ever find yourself tempted to let rip verbally at someone in your blended family? 

Have you given into that temptation? 

If you’re nodding yes then you and I share something in common.  We think that by ‘ripping in’ they’ll change their attitude or behavior right?  The thing about ripping in is that it seldom effects a long-term change in someone else AND can sabotage our relationship with them.  So is there another way? 

Well you could try the opposite approach.  I have and to be honest, it takes self control and I don’t always get it right.  This approach can be summed up in one word; gentleness.

Here are a couple of descriptions of it from thefreedictionary.com:

1. Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.

2. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft  

Gentleness is a trait that gets a lot of bad press.  It’s often perceived as a weakness but it’s actually controlled strength. You can be bossy and demanding to get your own way or, use gentle words to make your point.  But does it work?

What’s your experience of using this approach? 

Do people respect a gentle word or is a harsh one more effective?  Please place your feedback below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Thanks for contributing to this blog.  It’s great to both learn from and support each other!

p.p.s. For more indepth advice on blended family struggles please click here

Keeping the Peace

Last week I posed the question, “When others in your blended family are really frustrating you, are you better off keeping the peace by not saying anything?”

Here’s a response I received:

“If I speak with my husband about how I feel and see things we invariably end up arguing. I’m told I am being negative etc when in fact I believe I am being objective. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to keep the peace and let my husband do what he wants to with his children REGARDLESS of how insecure or worried I feel about what he does.  I realize that when my husband gets hurt I just have to say nothing and be the shoulder to cry on. It feels better to say what I feel and seems so logical to me but ultimately it is destructive for our relationship. I have to learn how to deal with the emotions I have and let my husband do what he wants to do!”

What are your thoughts on this?  Is communicating your feelings destructive in your relationship? 

How can or do you share your perspective in a way that’s not destructive?  In other words, how do you share your thoughts in a way that ’keeps the peace’? 

I’d love your feedback!  Please respond below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Blending can be a lonely experience so it’s great to support and encourage each other.  You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

p.p.s. You can read the rest of last week’s tip by clicking here

Lasting love

Last week we looked three signs of mature love in your relationship:

• Having your partner’s best interests at heart in your decision-making
• Unselfish commitment to helping your partner reach their fullest potential 
• Accepting your partner for who they truly are

Today I want to explore another element of love appropriate to your relationship that is often quoted from 1 Corinthians 13v5 at weddings:

Love keeps no record of wrongs 

So, we deal with the inevitable issues in our couple relationship that cause us to feel angry, hurt or rejected but choose not to hold our partner’s wrong doing against them.  In other words, we let it go.

Do you agree? 

Should love keep no record of wrongs?  Can you experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship if you choose to keep a mental record of everything you feel your partner does wrong?  Or, does this mindset steal your joy?

I’d love your feedback.   Please place your response below and remember you can remain anonymous if you wish!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Stepparenting and discipline

Who’s got it tougher; a stepfather or stepmother? Children can more readily accept a stepfather figure in their life in comparison to a stepmother. Are children therefore more accepting of a stepfather disciplining them over and above a stepmother? What’s your experience?

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Different parent, different rules: Does it work?

Mike and I have been running a lot of seminars lately and we always enjoy seeing couples connecting with other parents/stepparents in a blended family; it helps them feel not so ‘alone’ in their experience. So, instead of giving you one of my regular tips today, I’d love for you to share with others from your own wisdom and experience in response to this question:

Do you and your partner have different rules for each other’s children?

Some couples manage to negotiate and eventually agree on rules/expectations and consequences with their partner however many find this very difficult to say the least. Here’s what one couple has done in this case:

“Due to the fact that our parenting styles differ vastly, I’m strict and my husband is very lenient, we have had to decide to discipline separately. While we will discuss the discipline ultimately the bio parent will discipline the bio child. This has freed us to appreciate each other and love one another with our differences.”

Sometimes parents have one set of rules for their own children while their partner’s children have another. For example, your children might be allowed 1 hour TV per day while your partner’s children catch watch it anytime they like.

If you have tried this approach, would recommend it to others?

Please answer below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer!

p.p.s. For specific information on how to negotiate discipline issues, please click here