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Adele Cornish, BSW

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Commitment

How faithful or committed are you to your relationship?

The thing is, every relationship goes through both good and tough times. Tough times or conflict does not mean you need to throw in the towel but have a plan for working through them. If you don’t, you’ll risk continuing in a succession of failed relationships.

A number of years ago (before I had a blog) I asked for your feedback on a question which relates to this. Now an update is needed and this time you can post your answer for others to read. Here’s the question:

If you don’t “feel” love for your partner, should you stay in the relationship?

Should you let your “feelings” influence your long-term commitment?  Please share your thoughts below!

Warm regards
Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

p.p.s. If you’re ready to throw in the towel, you’ve got nothing to lose by giving your relationship another shot.  Chances are some things will need to change to get it back on track over the Christmas season.  I’d love to help you so if you want to find out more please click here

Gentleness: Does it work?

Ever find yourself tempted to let rip verbally at someone in your blended family? 

Have you given into that temptation? 

If you’re nodding yes then you and I share something in common.  We think that by ‘ripping in’ they’ll change their attitude or behavior right?  The thing about ripping in is that it seldom effects a long-term change in someone else AND can sabotage our relationship with them.  So is there another way? 

Well you could try the opposite approach.  I have and to be honest, it takes self control and I don’t always get it right.  This approach can be summed up in one word; gentleness.

Here are a couple of descriptions of it from thefreedictionary.com:

1. Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.

2. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft  

Gentleness is a trait that gets a lot of bad press.  It’s often perceived as a weakness but it’s actually controlled strength. You can be bossy and demanding to get your own way or, use gentle words to make your point.  But does it work?

What’s your experience of using this approach? 

Do people respect a gentle word or is a harsh one more effective?  Please place your feedback below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Thanks for contributing to this blog.  It’s great to both learn from and support each other!

p.p.s. For more indepth advice on blended family struggles please click here

Keeping the Peace

Last week I posed the question, “When others in your blended family are really frustrating you, are you better off keeping the peace by not saying anything?”

Here’s a response I received:

“If I speak with my husband about how I feel and see things we invariably end up arguing. I’m told I am being negative etc when in fact I believe I am being objective. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to keep the peace and let my husband do what he wants to with his children REGARDLESS of how insecure or worried I feel about what he does.  I realize that when my husband gets hurt I just have to say nothing and be the shoulder to cry on. It feels better to say what I feel and seems so logical to me but ultimately it is destructive for our relationship. I have to learn how to deal with the emotions I have and let my husband do what he wants to do!”

What are your thoughts on this?  Is communicating your feelings destructive in your relationship? 

How can or do you share your perspective in a way that’s not destructive?  In other words, how do you share your thoughts in a way that ’keeps the peace’? 

I’d love your feedback!  Please respond below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Blending can be a lonely experience so it’s great to support and encourage each other.  You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

p.p.s. You can read the rest of last week’s tip by clicking here

Lasting love

Last week we looked three signs of mature love in your relationship:

• Having your partner’s best interests at heart in your decision-making
• Unselfish commitment to helping your partner reach their fullest potential 
• Accepting your partner for who they truly are

Today I want to explore another element of love appropriate to your relationship that is often quoted from 1 Corinthians 13v5 at weddings:

Love keeps no record of wrongs 

So, we deal with the inevitable issues in our couple relationship that cause us to feel angry, hurt or rejected but choose not to hold our partner’s wrong doing against them.  In other words, we let it go.

Do you agree? 

Should love keep no record of wrongs?  Can you experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship if you choose to keep a mental record of everything you feel your partner does wrong?  Or, does this mindset steal your joy?

I’d love your feedback.   Please place your response below and remember you can remain anonymous if you wish!

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

Stepparenting and discipline

Who’s got it tougher; a stepfather or stepmother? Children can more readily accept a stepfather figure in their life in comparison to a stepmother. Are children therefore more accepting of a stepfather disciplining them over and above a stepmother? What’s your experience?

Read more...

Different parent, different rules: Does it work?

Mike and I have been running a lot of seminars lately and we always enjoy seeing couples connecting with other parents/stepparents in a blended family; it helps them feel not so ‘alone’ in their experience. So, instead of giving you one of my regular tips today, I’d love for you to share with others from your own wisdom and experience in response to this question:

Do you and your partner have different rules for each other’s children?

Some couples manage to negotiate and eventually agree on rules/expectations and consequences with their partner however many find this very difficult to say the least. Here’s what one couple has done in this case:

“Due to the fact that our parenting styles differ vastly, I’m strict and my husband is very lenient, we have had to decide to discipline separately. While we will discuss the discipline ultimately the bio parent will discipline the bio child. This has freed us to appreciate each other and love one another with our differences.”

Sometimes parents have one set of rules for their own children while their partner’s children have another. For example, your children might be allowed 1 hour TV per day while your partner’s children catch watch it anytime they like.

If you have tried this approach, would recommend it to others?

Please answer below.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW
Blended Family Advisor

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer!

p.p.s. For specific information on how to negotiate discipline issues, please click here

A child’s experience of blending…

As a child, did you live in a blended family?

I want to help parents in a blended family become better equipped to understand and support their children through the blending process. 

If you lived in a blended family at any point during your childhood or teenage years, I’d be extremely grateful if you could take a moment to answer the questions below. 

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. You can remain anonymous if you prefer.

Please think back to what it was like when you were growing up:

1. As a child, what seemed to work well in your blended family?
2. What did you find difficult?
3. What did your biological parent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?
4. What did your stepparent do to help you adjust (or what did you want them to do)?

Feelings of resentment

I recently received an email from a stepmother who is wondering if other people have experienced similar feelings she has been having regarding her stepdaughter.  She wants your help.  Here’s what she says:

“I love my step daughter and have always worked very hard to have a good relationship with her.  This year I had my first child and we were all very excited but ever since my daughter has been born I find myself resenting my step child.  I am surprised and confused by these feelings. I love her and I feel so ashamed I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. When my husband talks about how our child is just like her sister I find myself feeling angry that our child is not recognised in her own right. When I hear “Oh you’re just like your sister or your sister was exactly the same or you look just like your sister” I feel irritated. I never imagined that I would have these feelings. I am hoping this will pass and I just wondered if anyone else has had this happen to them or what they did to overcome it. I want my family to be a loving good place for both of our children to grow up in. Any advice would be welcome.”

To offer some help and encouragement, please reply below.  You can remain annonymous if you prefer.

Warm regards

Adele Cornish

p.s. Thanks for taking the time to offer your support during what can be a lonely experience.

UPDATE!

Find out what this stepmother thought of these reponses by clicking here

p.p.s. Remember to enter your name and email to receive tips and advice for yourself!

Blending after the death of a parent

Blended families evolve after the death of a parent or a parent’s divorce/separation.  Here I’d like to focus on those who have repartnered with children after the death of a spouse/partner.  The following tips are for those with children/stepchildren whose parent has died.

• Talk openly about the death; it helps children understand that grief is natural
• Accept and respect their feelings and allow them to express emotion
• Encourage them to ask questions; do not worry about having all the answers but focus on letting them know that you care.  Questions help children understand and adjust.

This blog is for those with children whose parent has died  and is based on the following question:

What is the issue you’ve most struggled with and what have you found that’s helped?

To share with others in a similar position please respond below 

Warm regards

Adele Cornish BSW

Blended Family Advisor

Experiences of a stepmother

‘Part of the parcel’ of divorce is that eventually children of divorce get to an age where they want to choose who they live with. But what happens when it’s NOT you they choose.

I recently started a blog for fathers whose children had made the decision not to live with them.

I asked men how this affected their relationship with their partner and children. A HUGE thank you to those who responded. You can check out the responses by clicking here

The issue of blame arose so I will touch on this briefly.

It is normal to grieve the loss or diminished contact with your children if they choose to live with their other parent. Part of the grieving process includes anger and stemming from this, blame. Although deep down people can blame themselves, it can also be tempting to blame stepmothers; according to research, children more readily accept a stepfather figure as opposed to a stepmother. The thing about blame is that it serves no useful purpose and builds further resentments so one needs to move beyond this natural part of the grieving process.

I promised stepmothers the opportunity to share how this issue has impacted your blended family. Please write how you worked through this experience as a couple to maintain a strong relationship.

Warm regards
Adele Cornish